The slow thawing

I realise I am inconsistent in lots of stuff and instead of my usual defensive spiel,  here is a quiet acceptance of that. Guilty of that and many more things....but not being disciplined tops the list. It shows how I take care of myself, how I keep order at home, how I generally mange myself and my world. How easy it is for me to not keep up to anything consistently....Its embarassing, its seen in the constant self-talk I have with myself. It shows up in stuff pending over the week and taking over weekend, it shows in the amount of dirt that came out of cleaning under the dish-washer, just one of those things which I had been forever planning to do; it shows in how I finally managed to paint my toe-nails after one year - sometimes there was no nailpolish remover; or nail polish itself; other times it was something I remembered just before bedtime or just when stepping out, hence no time to dry itself; sometimes I did remember but pushed it away for a bit and then forgot because something else came up.....until I just did it the other day. It took me 2 days to locate the nailpolish remover, with two teenage daughters, make-up stuff is high consumption and always stored in personal drawers instead of the common bathroom closet. With that done, I also quickly looked up a color which I thought would be Spring-worthy and voila I have metallic teal nailpolish. Take a bow. Of course, am now looking again for the nail polish remover but until then it stays. By the way, just like that i also cleaned kitchen drawers on a single day after putting it away for months. Wonder why!

The forties are marching frantically towards the fifties, quite niftily, inspite of the weight they are suddently having to carry. Though I was never thin, I am now a  morphed pear apple shape, not quite resemebling the pilates ball yet..getting there. There again, inconsitency of a fitness regimen play a role and the stressors of life. I am not the only one who has stress in their life, but I seem to carry it on me. Work, relationships, family, children, .....list is endless. On top of that, I often have to remind myself to be mindful, grateful, it does not come so very easily to me....I do pray daily, light the diya twice a day ...i seem not to live in the present, in some sort of agitated future in a state of mild anxiety,  I have to pull myself  away to be more present where I am....

I don't know if this is a mid-life crisis stage or is it some sort of undiagnosied ADHD which I strongly suspect myself to have (thanks to listening some podcasts and really think I can relate to quite a lot of the points spoken about). Or if its peri-menopause ot menopause related....or all of the above if we are doing multiple choices.....I am suddenly lost, like I have lost my internal compass and recaliberation of everything at the same time has been extremely challenging and is WIP. I don't know a lot of things anymore. I care less about some things I thought mattered to me. My world has shrunk (activities, friends I relate with) and am happy to have less to focus on. I just want more time to be with me, more hours to sleep. Or a book to read, I have started reading again and though I succumb to mindless scrolling on insta occassionally a good story can help me resist that. 

I choose to see my own bullshit as clearly as I could see anyone else's, I am less judgemental of us all. We'll all learn when we will, we all have different journeys, there are multiple truths...who am I kidding again?  That said, I am as excited about the Spring after the long dark winter. the birds chirping, the spring flowers, tulips in the garden, the veggies we are trying to grow,
I try to have a rapport with my daughters (though its challenging at times); similar efforts with my husband; father and brother; and for everyone else. can meet them half-way... Life is good already...

And to conclude....the headline :) My aw(ful)esome headlines as usual. Old habits die heard. If you are reading this, thankyou, hope it was worth your time.