2012, 2013,....2015

There are times I wonder what to make of 2014. I don't know how to look at it. I know there is some major misalignment in the planets for the whole world - what with the war in Syria, Ukraine crisis, the ongoing conflicts of Israel with the Hamas in Gaza, the Ebola outbreak, the disappearance of the MH 370 Malaysian Airlines flight, the recent terrorist killing of school children in Peshawar......not to mention the various events in the Indian subcontinent.

So with this perspective of scale, I humbly declare that my concerns are just too small and ridiculous to even talk about. And yet since I am living through them, I can't help but be affected by them. My biggest issue has been the sense of feeling uprooted, and I struggle to come to terms with it, inspite of having known that our stay abroad was not to be permanent. I have tried to talk to myself about the dissonance I feel on various counts and the only conclusion I come to is that I feel this way as we are still putting up with the inlaws and I don't have my own space. There are still unpacked cartons... and the feeling of being settled in one place is not there. This is because I have always had my own independent way of doing things and being answerable to even a mostly understanding mil is still difficult for me at times.

The offer that the husband was to take up when he moved back here was put on hold till the New Year. In the interim period, he has been interviewing but things have been slow to materialise, all decisions postponed to next year again. It has been tough for me to be 100 percent supportive and understanding at all time and have lost my controlled stoicism a couple of times. My own longish career break did not help in my job search. ANd I am hit with the guilt of not holding the fort. I decided on re-skilling, which is work in progress. This takes a lot of my time and effort and less time and energy to focus on kids and home, a second guilt.  In August my parents finally told me about my mother suffering from lung cancer. Brother and me had suspected it for a while but they took their time to tell us. Well, the good thing is she has responded well to the 2 chemocycles and praying that it will be in control and a few years more to be with us. I can't even believe I am putting this down! so matter-of-factly!

Normally I take recourse to writing, not my personal stuff but just anything, as it helps me, but this time I haven't come here often. I have been largely living in my mind again. Met a few new people recently and reconnected with a couple of old friends and they have no idea how much our casual exchanges mean to me. Is it something about my own case, but I am more mindful to how people have so many challenges in their lives and no one to talk to, and have been a sounding board to a few. The strange part is a few of them telling me how they appreciate my attittude in the face of things. We could start a Mutual admiration club, well almost:)

Sunshine and laughter in my life is largely because of my kids. We have planned a birthday party, attended a few and there is always something to do. 'Horrid Henry' books are our favourite these days. I have been able to read a few books which I have been waiting for 'The Palace of Illusions' and 'The Help' so far. There, now that I've written it down, I feel much better.

Overall, 2014 is a Nebulous year for me. Someday, it may make sense to me, as on date, I live through one day to another, doing my best for each day, making the cut most days and not on some others.....Oh well, this too shall pass!