Simply surrender...

Source: A whatsapp forward

Apologies if the headline is misleading  not the right place if  you thought it was a self-help post or even a hack for a hijack situation. It is me quickly keying a post when there are always other things I ought to be doing ... Actually, writing helps me in clearing my mind...

Still awaiting decision on the visa. Geez, those consulate folks have such an attitude. Even when we asked most politely for clarifications, such a stiff upper lip response. I wanted to tell them to stuff it, as this is for a minor, whose card has expired and hence the whole rigmarole of a long-stay visa application...While on the other hand, they have opened  borders to illegal immigrants who have been sabotaging the whole well-oiled system these countries have laid out wrt education, housing, medical benefits and what's more also spreading unwanted terror and disturbance in their own premises in the name of some undefinable parameters of their own. In any case, it is one person's view and word which I air in the sanctity of my blog only.

I can already feel life being a bit inestimable and a growing sense of lack of control. If one does not get visa on time, need to reschedule and then for how long? The more I stay here, ahem, the more stuff i can tick off on my list. Get more OCD with packing. Have always maintained that the devil is in the details. It is amazing just how the fine details tend to get overlooked at times. When one is rushing to just finish doing something so long as it needs to be done, and one does not dwell too much on quality, the process, the learning....It comes knocking back at the door quietly and you have to redo...this time correctly. Karma never forgets an address!

When it comes to packing have started to abandon lists while packing...too cumbersome. Seriously, anything to avoid packing. Should we buy a new suitcase? The right mix of  Indian and western and woollens, how many cartons to be shipped...I can't make more decisions. Unable to dwell too much of the life we are going to....essential items on my list are kitchen towels, Everest chat masala, kodo millet vs proso?, ragi huri hittu, idli stand, english books for the kids, what we cannot take (that's Radhika the doll here)...

The whole part of living there, well, will come to that when we get there. People say it is going to be easy since we were there before. But 2 years is a long time, there are so many changes. Kids will be going to a new school, will need to drive them there and I am already plotting the way on google maps. Some people may have to get used to my slow driving speed. 

I seem to have developed a strange sort of detachment with family. It is some invisible wall I built so I don't feel too torn about going away. Mom has recuperated and will be home soon. We are still looking for a caregiver who will be with her during the day. I used to talk to dad daily,  less than 1 min conversations. but talk nevertheless while she was unwell. Even bro and me reconnected briefly over that time.

It's been 10 days since the hubby is here and it makes me feel I have an option to lean-in, something I have lived without in the last almost 2 years. Of course, with his cataract surgery, it is the other way around for now.  It feels like something I could get used to, and yet I find myself able to/wanting to mostly tackle stuff on my own. That's my base nature. A lot of adjustments by everyone involved in the process for sure.

Some things yet left undone- a visit to Malleshwaram, or just randomly visiting Koramangala, meeting up with friends crossing distances that would take up hours, just a non-purposeful visit to a mall that one would make when living here, and of course, the many existential dilemmas which one is forever grappling with....one day at a time is the resounding motto again, over and out for now. If the post is disconnected, it is just the state of my mind:)