Full circle.....

A post has been due, it is more than a  month and half of us being here....seems like it's been a lifetime almost.....and the life we left behind, the people too....seem unrecognisable almost. No excuses for not writing earlier, its just that we have been using all that we can to get adjusted to the realities of life here.

Kids got admission into their old school and were happy..... only for Big G it meant getting back with her old classmates and jumping a year. This is a big thing even in normal circumstances but with the language criteria here, sort of compounded. The school is helping out, as is Big G putting her best efforts too.... I am getting more familiar with 5th grade maths in new language and new ways of solving the same problems.

Lil G was lost the first few days of school as she had forgotten the languagecompletly but is slowly picking up words and has a few friends....In fact she was explaining how to solve a maths problem to me which has been taught in Dutch in school. As always, I am not able to give both of time equal time on all days and its a balancing act.

The ghosts of driving caught up with me as my license expired while I was in India and studying for the theory took a lot of my time. I have cleared that one and hopefully with a few other formalities am good to go.

Had a birthday, a milestone birthday.....very low key one. I don't judge it by no of wishes or gifts etc....the latter was zero count this time. Through all this, thoughts been with my mom. Mom has been in and out of hospital twice in the last month and half and has been admitted 2 days ago because of breathlessness. She is in the ICU and needs to be on oxygen. This condition occurs in the last stages of  lung cancer...It has been a week since I spoke to Mom. She is off chemotherapy as doctors state that it cannot be given to her anymore. This has resulted in increased pain, morphine being given and she in a state of being sleepy and dizzy.

I can't even begin to sort out through my emotions. Hubby says I should pack up my bags and take kids and go there but I am not strong enough to see my mother in that condition. And also if I was to go alone it is fine but taking kids along would make it more difficult. I can't imagine how our family will be any more without her...she has been  the binding force and power in the family. I mean how do you even conceive a home without your Mom?

I have been listless and unproductive the last few days...not able to do much of anything. Even though the kids and me spent two full months and some with her this, it seems so less in the scheme of things. There is so much I want to ask her, tell her, learn from her, oh.... forget all that, if I could only have the reassurance of her voice at the other end of the line when I call..We had our difference of opinions...over some  things....but that would never change anything for me....

My poor Father has been braving it as her sole caregiver over the last 3 years. Brother and his wife are there at this moment to give him some support and relief...I am careful not to ping often, with too many questions... and they are of course too busy to update me on their own. Dad days she is in poor spirits off late and I only want her to think of all the good things, all the positives that have manifested in her life, all the people who she has touched positively and who have been inspired by her life, her grace and integrity while being a wife, friend, mother, daughter, sister, doctor,.....And let go of all the negatives, including the fact that she put up a staunch fight against this disease. But it is only her body which will succumb eventually, and not her will.