Still fresh of the boat!!!
I have been in low-country Belgium for more than a year now. And I still consider myself as one fresh off the boat! My grasp of French is lower than an Alliance Francaise basic level, understanding of Dutch rather negligible and I feel as much at home here as I would on the Moon. Not even a single close friend to call on, no nodding acquaintances in the neighbourhood, my experience as an expat in Belgium so so limited........
Rather, my life is restricted to the four walls of our apartment, taking care of my year old baby - the center of my existence. The prodigal frog in the well has a much wider perspective of life and experiences in general than me. Does that sound very dramatic? To be honest it does sound a bit drastic. But life is with many limitations at the moment - some circumstantial, some imposed..... and also due to a lethargy of will power to change for the better.
What feels most wanting is that I have lived out an entire year without an identity, without a voice of my own. I am so and so's wife, a mother, but nothing to merit me for myself. Look, I am not saying that external approval is necessary for me, but then what feeds my ego, fuels my self-esteem? After all parental, filial, marital roles and duties are tended too, in the wider spectrum of society and in my own journey for self-actualization I am currently a non-entity.
And a loss of identity can have far-reaching effects.... can impair one in many ways - certainly has to me. For one, all my decisions have to be qualified by my better-half. In the previous years when I was working, and had my own social network, I could make my own decisions, purchases, plans - without getting prior approvals. Somehow that is not the case now. But its not just that, I have a generous and caring partner. Its more to do with the loss of a sense of freedom, it is missing being involved in something over and above home and hearth matters, to a cause or a job, with transactions, with experiencing the economics of living.
Yes, there is TV and there is internet, and occassional outings/shopping experiences. And my mainstay - books. But is that all?
Rather, my life is restricted to the four walls of our apartment, taking care of my year old baby - the center of my existence. The prodigal frog in the well has a much wider perspective of life and experiences in general than me. Does that sound very dramatic? To be honest it does sound a bit drastic. But life is with many limitations at the moment - some circumstantial, some imposed..... and also due to a lethargy of will power to change for the better.
What feels most wanting is that I have lived out an entire year without an identity, without a voice of my own. I am so and so's wife, a mother, but nothing to merit me for myself. Look, I am not saying that external approval is necessary for me, but then what feeds my ego, fuels my self-esteem? After all parental, filial, marital roles and duties are tended too, in the wider spectrum of society and in my own journey for self-actualization I am currently a non-entity.
And a loss of identity can have far-reaching effects.... can impair one in many ways - certainly has to me. For one, all my decisions have to be qualified by my better-half. In the previous years when I was working, and had my own social network, I could make my own decisions, purchases, plans - without getting prior approvals. Somehow that is not the case now. But its not just that, I have a generous and caring partner. Its more to do with the loss of a sense of freedom, it is missing being involved in something over and above home and hearth matters, to a cause or a job, with transactions, with experiencing the economics of living.
Yes, there is TV and there is internet, and occassional outings/shopping experiences. And my mainstay - books. But is that all?
What strikes me as so bizarre is that tomorrow, a year or so from now, when I leave this place and go back to my home country, I will be as new there as I am curretly here. The same routines of settling in, getting a job, looking for a school for my baby, identifying a family doctor, building a social network.............the cycle will begin again. And till I feel totally at home, I will still be an FoB, and perhaps an expat in my own country.........
.JPG)
Comments
Post a Comment
Leave a comment!