How to lose friends and alienate people? despite trying the opposite.....

I still remember my friendless state of affairs after moving here. Of course i had a lot to contend with from the time i landed here, heavily pregnant and adjusting to a new place, having a baby within 2 months of arriving here, my mother and m-i-l visiting us during the first 5 months. It was once we were on our own that the loneliness started getting to me. A baby keeps you busy alright, but its not enough, and when your husband is not much for small talk, you really feel you should learn ventriloquism, you can talk to yourself and hear a voice talking back from another corner of the room..............yes, it was quite bad.

I think it was almost a year and a half of this when i finally made friends with a fellow indian living here. Her situation was identical to mine, living here for a few years, a small baby, not knowing many people. Oh, it was such a great feeling to be able to call someone for a brief hello. I think it was around this time that i moved from a pre-paid to a  monthly subscription for my gsm. Warble, warble - i would go, really unlike my normal self.

I had not seen much of Belgium after coming here and my confinement period had extended indefinitely with a small baby. I was so curious about the place, where do u buy Indian groceries, good places to explore, shop, see and so much other trivia and she shared a lot of essential info. In talking about ourselves, i remember i was open while she was a bit restrained, kind of holding back. I never questioned her openly, but could notice her hesitancy to reveal too much personal stuff, background, schools, subjects studied in college, etc.

We met first at a shopping mall, to assess each other i think. She passed, for sure, in my books. I did too, i think, for she invited me home. A lovely homemaker she was/is, a great cook, with knowledge of knitting, crochet, such a patient mother too........i was so enamored, i had so much to learn...... 

We exchanged numbers and thoughts and opinions and recipes in the beginning and then later confidences too. I always remember an after-feeling from those exchanges, that it was me who had a greater need to connect. Such is her nature she would be happy to remain on her own and pursue some creative job in the kitchen, craft, cleaning, etc. But inspite of it all, we were close as is possible in later-year friendships, and carefully considerate of each other's space and feelings. We did not meet very often with husbands in tow, I think they never took to each other.

With my second baby expected and the necessity of a temporary relocation to India, I was the one who was more in touch despite having my hands full - a new baby, living at parent's home, calming my elder one who felt very displaced by all the new changes to her life. When we got back to Belgium too, I was a bit sad to know that the family had never once kept in touch with my hubby or invited him for lunch, etc. I know, it was probably a wrong expectation to have, but the reason it fostered was her saying all the time, aapna hi ghar samjho, let us know if you need any help. Why say it if you don't mean it? I let all that pass, and unknowingly tried to pick up threads of our friendship from where they were left.

But right from the beginning there was this niggling feeling that something had changed. Whether it was between us or in her personal life, I could not determine. I remember a number of calls from my end remaining unanswered. She would call back much later and not even refer to the missed calls.

But it was my tenuous need to reconnect and we kind of got back to relating like in the past. We had our firstborns in school then and exchanged a lot of notes. Soon she was pregnant with her 2nd baby, and I was careful not to intrude on her time and space like before. The last I remember having her home was on the 1st birthday of lilG. To my kids, she was like a Santa arriving with armloads of gifts. We made a lot of plans for the summer holidays which never worked out. Her daughter caught chicken pox and my husband says I ought to have visited her. My argument was how could I with 2 kids of mine easily susceptible to the same. But he insisted I missed out on an imp. protocol.

Soon, it started to go downhill and I can't even place a finger on any single thing. Was it that her husband felt ignored on lil G's party? Was it the chicken pox incident? Was it her need to have space and time for 2nd baby? Was I guilty of encroaching on her time too often? My own insecurities over the friendship? I don't understand how any of this could not be communicated. In fact, when I asked her if all is ok, she said it was, yet it wasn't.

And one day, I asked this question in an open forum - regarding this friendship acquaintanceship, which she read and took it personally against me. My argument was I needed to clear the air and she took this as a means to end the friendship. I was hurt, ego dented, so much time and energy wasted for naught. Above all it was the rejection. Was I not good enough? It took me a long time to get over it, realise my imperfections and even to consider new friends.

And it was then on that I have discarded the idea of life long friends. I have reconciled to the idea of transient friendships, friendships that serve a definite purpose and of limited duration - eg playdates, weekend socialising, or closed circle friendships eg college, school, office colleagues. Those best friends and close friends are only for really lucky people. Rest is your long list on Facebook!!!