Reflections...

I can't remember when it started but there were plentiful expectations from me - 'intelligent', or 'smart', or 'responsible', yada yada. At various points of time, these were goal posts which were laid out by others and my simple duty was to reach them, cross them. Often, a big applause or certificate of appreciation for getting beyond them. And often they would be moved, the goalposts...sometimes by an inch, a meter or just tangentially in another dimension altogether.

This change often times gave me some anxiety - one, because it was not me moving them, some other person, so I had no clue on the movement and often it was not what I wanted in the first place. Second, move they did without fail, so it was not for me to learn from my previous experiences and make my moves accordingly. Every time, it was new territory, new co-ordinates and I had to reorient a lot of variables to get there.

Source: Google Images

If there were too many of these goal-posts, laid out by different people at the same or linear stretch of time, I couldn't reach all, or had to leave some to get to the others. This made some people unhappy and judgemental and I was left feeling distressed by it all. Often, I did not feel like going with it at all, but then it would make a few of them displeased. I would pick up from the tirade and start chastising myself too. In the whole scheme of things, I never felt good about myself.

And what if I wasn't smart enough like so-and-so, or talented enough like x or y, instead of accepting myself the way I am, I started to disown and disregard myself because though someone thought I ought to be like x,y etc, I was not trying too hard or giving it my best shot. This makes one feel alone, very alone, at times. I did not acknowledge the things I was good at.

The best part is the goal-post setters often shrugged their own role in this or my expectations from them. If they fulfilled it, it was because it was part of their duty or merely convenient at that point of time. But if they did not for whatever reason, no remorse, I must accept it the way it was and no, sorry, no labelling them based on that experiencing. Why was I such a thin-skinned and sensitive soul to take their accusations at heart then.

I can still be like the old me sometimes, though it is getting on to rarely. Only when I haven't given myself a dose of self-talk and made myself aware of what I am doing, falling putty to other's expectations. I have started to say 'no'. It is a nice sound, and liberating. I try not to give explanations, that puts me on the defensive. I tell myself my purpose is not to please others, and I don't need these approvals from others as a validation. When I hear myself speak I hear a nice resonance, non-tentative with a lilt, a stand-alone voice which speaks with reason. Likewise, I don't flag myself for what I write here. My blog, my thoughts, my style, my desire to say what I want. Or things I don't want to do, or can't do in this lifetime....Or mistakes and errors, u-turns or re-thinks...not being weighed down by my failures and rendered immobile.

With this perspective life is simpler. Admittedly, there will be degrees and relativity to other factors in life, but work has long started on strengthening the core, yes just like in fitness speak.