Ripe with Rigmaroles...
Life is. The hols are swiftly coming to an end...for me it seems like the last leg of the roller coaster. After the last high or plummet, it is starting to plateau out. The anticipation and build-up that led to it now subdued. In a moment of wishful thinking, you want it to continue, wryly acknowledging to yourself almost immediately that it is not possible. You are grateful you had this much time for the ride. Considering the amount of follow up and anxiety that went to getting the passport in good time, the fiasco with booking tickets, the strangeness of being back again albeit for a short time - the time spent here has been a balm for our souls.
A chorus of emotions, each strung tightly with the other- you can't be bothered to unravel the fine knots - for the time and the effort, so you just gulp them all together - a smoothie of mixed flavours. Here and there you can sense them individually - the joy, the sadness, the mere contentment of being together, the questions - why why, the one where you are swept in a grand scheme of events, bewildered, no constants... oh so many. The throat tightens, the eyes well up, but you have lived through a tough time and there is a small light in your heart. We are all survivors. And someday you may read the big picture.
The last 1.5 months has meant different things to us all. After some time, we have been family together, in a place or space which we can call ours. It is very temporary as the time here was definite, limited. For me personally, it felt good to have a place I can claim as mine. Or even just being without giving out any explanations to anyone else why I am or not doing some things just because we stay at their home. Kids are ecstatic. They possibly do realise how different or even not very normal the last year has been for us, but can't vocalise at this point of time. Though things are moving along...
There is packing to be done here and unpacking when I get back. Somehow the recurring theme has been living in limited spaces, cartons, suitcases, boxed up, short periods of time in places where you need to... Here, I need to return the library books. Say goodbyes....indefinitely to friends who have been so welcoming....I do not know what the future holds. I live for today...I hold that thought close to me, which has taken me through some travails in the recent past, unpredictable situations and the quicksand of confusions, decisions.
We are going back to resume where life has been put on hold for this vacation, reprieve, escape, reunion - it is all of it, some of it and that is a fact. If I have ever mentioned that life for me has sometimes been as if living in exile, I now am at a loss to decipher which part of it and how and why it has come to seem like that and what is the way out. I continue to find my way out of the maze, sometimes rerouting my steps, sometime merely thankful I have so much walking about to do. Anxiety does loom in at times and the only way I can get things done is to focus on one thing, things that I can control. I realise that not knowing makes me so. Too many demands on my time and attention make me bewildered. And the pace of life and its demands are relentless.
There are new curtains, limited crockery, a new washing machine here. There is near trauma for us when we look back at the same time last year we were disposing of our household effects. I borrowed some books for the kids from friends - and they lent me the very books I had given away, those that I felt I couldn't carry with me. Why, oh why, do I feel I have given away a treasure? Trust me, with books it feels that way. Or the deja vu when you visit somebody and realise there is a lot of ex-furniture of yours... Those trips to IKEA, selecting something and setting it up...the memories...And you tell yourself to just let it go, mere possessions...and you make a valiant attempt to do away with such attachments, with a heavy heart.
I realise I have painted the canvas solemnly dark. It is of course not all like that. There are astonishing splashes of colour and the sun streaming in brightly all throughout. Precious family moments together, reconnecting with friends and acquaintances, a visit to Keukenhoff, the visit to Indian grocery store - all sold out save for 2 almost ripe karelas - made my grandmom's stuffed karela with that. Then there was a trip to Disneyland - planned for the kids and how much they enjoyed it. So many moments - making marmalade with some very sour oranges and distributing some of it out to friends. A sentimental visit to Big G's and lil g's school and meeting their old friends, exchanging email ids. Visiting our favourite haunts, the old apartment, the market place on Monday's... Everything is seemingly the same and nothing is the same, of course. Or will ever be. C'est la vie, isn't it?
A chorus of emotions, each strung tightly with the other- you can't be bothered to unravel the fine knots - for the time and the effort, so you just gulp them all together - a smoothie of mixed flavours. Here and there you can sense them individually - the joy, the sadness, the mere contentment of being together, the questions - why why, the one where you are swept in a grand scheme of events, bewildered, no constants... oh so many. The throat tightens, the eyes well up, but you have lived through a tough time and there is a small light in your heart. We are all survivors. And someday you may read the big picture.
The last 1.5 months has meant different things to us all. After some time, we have been family together, in a place or space which we can call ours. It is very temporary as the time here was definite, limited. For me personally, it felt good to have a place I can claim as mine. Or even just being without giving out any explanations to anyone else why I am or not doing some things just because we stay at their home. Kids are ecstatic. They possibly do realise how different or even not very normal the last year has been for us, but can't vocalise at this point of time. Though things are moving along...
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There is packing to be done here and unpacking when I get back. Somehow the recurring theme has been living in limited spaces, cartons, suitcases, boxed up, short periods of time in places where you need to... Here, I need to return the library books. Say goodbyes....indefinitely to friends who have been so welcoming....I do not know what the future holds. I live for today...I hold that thought close to me, which has taken me through some travails in the recent past, unpredictable situations and the quicksand of confusions, decisions.
We are going back to resume where life has been put on hold for this vacation, reprieve, escape, reunion - it is all of it, some of it and that is a fact. If I have ever mentioned that life for me has sometimes been as if living in exile, I now am at a loss to decipher which part of it and how and why it has come to seem like that and what is the way out. I continue to find my way out of the maze, sometimes rerouting my steps, sometime merely thankful I have so much walking about to do. Anxiety does loom in at times and the only way I can get things done is to focus on one thing, things that I can control. I realise that not knowing makes me so. Too many demands on my time and attention make me bewildered. And the pace of life and its demands are relentless.
There are new curtains, limited crockery, a new washing machine here. There is near trauma for us when we look back at the same time last year we were disposing of our household effects. I borrowed some books for the kids from friends - and they lent me the very books I had given away, those that I felt I couldn't carry with me. Why, oh why, do I feel I have given away a treasure? Trust me, with books it feels that way. Or the deja vu when you visit somebody and realise there is a lot of ex-furniture of yours... Those trips to IKEA, selecting something and setting it up...the memories...And you tell yourself to just let it go, mere possessions...and you make a valiant attempt to do away with such attachments, with a heavy heart.
I realise I have painted the canvas solemnly dark. It is of course not all like that. There are astonishing splashes of colour and the sun streaming in brightly all throughout. Precious family moments together, reconnecting with friends and acquaintances, a visit to Keukenhoff, the visit to Indian grocery store - all sold out save for 2 almost ripe karelas - made my grandmom's stuffed karela with that. Then there was a trip to Disneyland - planned for the kids and how much they enjoyed it. So many moments - making marmalade with some very sour oranges and distributing some of it out to friends. A sentimental visit to Big G's and lil g's school and meeting their old friends, exchanging email ids. Visiting our favourite haunts, the old apartment, the market place on Monday's... Everything is seemingly the same and nothing is the same, of course. Or will ever be. C'est la vie, isn't it?
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Hello greetings and good wishes.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post on the dilemmas you face followed by interesting aspects of your daily life.
I have moved my residences several times and I know the time and effort needed to shift things ship shape to the new destination. Sometimes furniture is damaged, crockery breaks and many things gets damaged. Leaving old friends is also very painful although in the new place we will make new friends. Getting used to the new place will take some time. Shifting also involves uncertainity but it is also an opportunity to get rid of old unwanted things.
Wish you all the best.
Thank you for your reading this. Agree with your perspective on shifting...
DeleteI have shifted so many times in life but i always felt so excited to see new place new people and enjoyed the stays except that i could nevr settle down..
ReplyDeleteRenuji, you've put it across so well, settling down in a place and being content with it..... that is my yearning.
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