Entangled mesh of other peoples' lives...

By a strange play of circumstances I am alone at home at parents' place....for a while. The kids have gone for a sleepover to their cousin since evening last and will be back later ..Mom and Dad have gone to hospital for the chemo. I have followed all my Mom's instructions for to-dos in the kitchen...the chairs are up on the dining table (all the more to sweep better) and I am waiting for the maid and the cook to turn up...

The sleepover was planned spontaneously, I had dropped by at cousin's to wish my niece the best for her visit to the US....and over random talk and much entreaties from the kids, the sleepover was agreed on. I experienced my first sampling of empty-nest syndrome back home with the realization that I ought to have a life other than around kids. I could read interrupted and sat through an entire meal without getting up. I could get used to this but I miss their constant chatter, sudden fights which need refereeing, innovative excuses to avoid doing Maths like "my mind is closed now", impromptu hugs, ensuing general chaos...

Strangely enough, in the last 2 years or so...our lives have been considerably entwined with those of others...more so when on our return we stayed at in-laws. Boundaries (which one can uphold when you stay far) transgressed and in the initial adjustment phase it always felt like one was stepping on someone else's toes. For me it was especially tough to get why I would need to take some form of an affirmation before following a pre-decided course of action. Considering how we were fraught with our rather sudden displacement a little bit of empathy our way would have been appreciated and reciprocated. On my part too, I feel I should have been more accepting and less stubborn in the face of things, willing to just let it go, a day at a time.

Whenever I have visited parent's place, in the last year especially, I have been questioned from various quarters (read sibling and assorted relatives) for not  moving here for the whole of last year to be with parents. We decided to continue with things as they were and not make major changes for kids again. Parents wanted kids and me to move in with them till we arrived at a decision on when to join the husband or continue here split family basis. Mom could have had some help on the not-so-good days..and grandchildren lift her spirits up considerably. For me it would have been staying in a place with more acceptance and belonging.

But... there were other considerations too....a big change for kids, increasing burden on the two people unit that Mom and Dad run efficiently, plus Dad being the primary caregiver has his days and hands full. Add 3 people to the mix and it can become too much. For me, the work from home opportunity would not have realized if I was taking care of home here and  and getting apprehended for feeling generally restless and wanting to have something of my own going on too.

I have often wondered how it is for women who have been caregivers to ailing parents/family members and believe me it is tough. One realizes the demands much more acutely having experienced it firsthand. Accept it, one needs to see first to the comforts of the person suffering. The caregivers develop coping mechanisms - my mil resorted to food. My Dad sometimes reads the paper end of day, that and his beer on weekends. I never missed a yoga class in the last 2 months. The entire day revolves around the needs, moods, requirements of the ailing person and you start to postpone so many things for later in your personal list that it can sometimes be overwhelming.

In my own heart, it has been a constant churn of emotions, guilt paramount that I did not make the shift. I see myself always torn between commitments - my family, parents, extended family, my own needs, work....and have realised that any decision is a compromise. The whole of last two years, have pretty much spent every holiday here, call mom religiously twice a day,....When the sibling confronted me on why I was shirking my duty to parents, I turned the question on to him and saw there is no answer...Parents comfortable in their home, don't want to shift to B'lore...each of us is valid in our justifications and reasoning and there is status quo on this, silent reflection that it could be otherwise had their been x or y variable, some self reproach, some diffidence...acceptance...indifference,,,let's just agree that the status is complicated. For me personally, parents are cognizant of my constraints and we are mutually happy to have had this time of 2 months to be together.

The last week at home and it makes me all broody. By the end of writing this post, parents back from hospital, the maid and cook long done their jobs, kids back home with excited grins and narrations of the sleepover, heavy rain in town, dinner of palak dal and mom-made rotis...today was a good day,...and the personal quest of seeking answers to endless questions continues....just as day turns into night and as sure as daybreak will come.