In the after...

When my kids were much younger and I would read them stories, a lot of which predictably ended with ...and they all lived happily ever after, my daughter would rush to finish it with "in the after". This helps as a headline now.

Source: Google Images

Where do I start...We started with the phase of in the after - each member of the family in his/her own way. It is particularly hard for my Father who has become suddenly lonely, and has a long day to get through. I did not go back to see my mom when she was in the ICU and after that. When Mom could still manage to communicate, she categorically did not want me to go back with kids in tow. By the time I came to know she is no more, it was late...

My brother and his spouse were there with my father and I continued with my life here, feeling guilty and disconnected with all that was happening at home. Dad is never much for talking a lot and brother and me in our entire sibling relationship have decided on a most inopportune time to vent out a disagreement  ....so I don't know how they are coping. All I know is Dad gets uncomfortable if I show any emotions and I have to be careful when I talk to him. I do talk to him daily, conversations which do not extend beyond 2 mins...dad is not one for talking on phone....

It is a bit complicated. this, the etiquette of grieving and the matter of expressing condolence. I myself have found it awkward to convey condolences to those bereaved, just so as it does not come across as a mere formality, to not sound pithy and matter of fact, when after some time I would go back to my life and its demands. Now that I have been on the other side I realise that it is important to connect, even very briefly. You could talk about the person who is no more in whatever capacity you knew them, perhaps mention the last time you spoke to them, what you remember best about them....anything, something....it all helps. I express my gratitude to all those who spoke to me and shared their memories, recollections and times spent with my Mother. or just even asked how I am doing.There are also a few people close to the family who despite having WA, and email, and other means found it not necessary to connect and may best have their reasons for the same.

Rituals give some relief in the immediate after, but the acceptance of the loss and living with it is something each one has to work out for themselves. On the 13th day, I cooked some  of my mother's favourite food. There are days when I am so busy that I don't even think of Mom till the end of the day and I feel guilty for the same. And then there are small, minuscule things which make the realisation acute and I think of her and I find myself tearing up....

I know I can never ever call her and listen to her lovely voice and check on just the right proportion of flours to make dhoklis, or share some new recipe..an achievement unlocked, updates regarding the kids. Or how I love to open her cupboard and go through her sarees, each has a story.... How at one time she had so many pink ones...In the last 2 years I had a habit of talking to her every morning and evening, and now that can never be...Even when she was so listless and exhausted with the disease and medicines, I had the privilege to hear her breathe at the end of the phone, till the time breathlessness took over, till she gradually started to get detached from all earthly matters.....I still update my Father reasonably but let's admit it, it is not the same. I had recorded her voice and have some videos of her with the kids, but am still not able to get myself to play them.

The whole of Diwali was a trauma, not just because it was still raw, her passing away, but the memories ...every Diwali how my parents would get together and clean the house, of my Mom and Dadi getting together and making sweets and savouries.  I made Shakkarparas, a legendary recipe of my Mother, the last time she made those just to show me to make it for the kids...Dhanteras is also her birthday.....I spoke to my Maasi that day, just happy to make that connect...And then there are days when it feels too much.... There was a cancer survivor shown on a  Kapil's Comedy show and I just could not watch the show from there on.....

And then, life is relentless, it's beat marching to a forever progressing time...you have to keep running on the treadmill...so those that are left behind have to get on, finding your purpose and fulfilling your responsibilities .... and somewhere in the midst of this going back in time and recognising moments long gone by....all of this in the after.