Always speak up.........

Are you the quiet types? Do you believe in being generally nice and are you dismayed when people take advantage of you? I used to be like that. I still am, though each and every experience in life pushes me to be forthright in my expression. The perpetrators often walk away with their head held high, while the it is the victims who have to pick up the pieces of  lost innocence, confidence and ensuing indignity to piece together a life somewhat resembling the original.  But it's never the same, and one takes a long time to get over it. Even if it is a single touch - it is a grave violation and it must be put to an immediate stop. Be loud, look for inclusivity in your actions and reactions and be on guard.

The first time it happened......well not really the first time, as a girl I had encountered the stares, obnoxious comments whilst passing a group of boys, attempted groping in public transport, innuendos............isn't there such a variety! I had reacted in a manner appropriate - stared back, ignored, pushed through, shouted back, felt inconsolable rage and helplessness when I could not do anything............

Then there was this time at my Aunt's house. My college had a month long workshop in the summer. I was attending and since the hostel was closed over the summer holidays, two of my aunts were kind enough to host me in turns. So..... I had set up my mattress in the living room of my Aunt's house, I slept on the ground next to old Baa's bed, her aged mother-in-law. My Aunt and Uncle slept in their bedroom which they locked from inside. I was welcome to sleep in there but it was a small room and felt claustrophobic.

The evening I returned from college there was a young nephew for dinner. It was no one new, I used to meet X Bhai since my childhood days whenever we used to stay over at this Aunt's house. His family had moved out of the family house but he was visiting. In the night I felt someone touching me, on my leg, right upto my thigh and my skirt was pulled up. I am a light sleeper and I always keep myself covered, I got up with a start to see this person bending over me, quickly removing his hands. He said, I'm sorry. Look I'm saying again sorry. Don't tell anyone or you will be in worse trouble. You asked for it, don't tell me you didn't. Nobody will believe you.

I was shocked, enraged, scared, embarrassed, panicked  - a thousand emotions chorusing through me. How dare he touch me? What does he mean - asked for it?  I was merely sleeping and decently. Of course I had not been asking for anything - it was nothing but plain courtesy over dinner.  This was so demeaning, so humiliating! Instinctively, I knew it was not me! It was this sick person looking for a chance.

All I remember at that moment was  I could not shout out loud. My biggest regret!! I was too stunned to react. I told him to get lost. I remember putting my hands on my face and crying silent tears. This was not  happening to me! Please let it be a bad dream! I felt so dirty and unclean, helpless and angry. After that,  I could not sleep....kept tossing and turning for hours... When my Aunt got up later sometime to go the bathroom, I told her I was uncomfortable and wanted to sleep with her.

The next day morning, the cheap b@#stard acted so innocent that I wanted to gorge his eyes out and scratch his cheeks. I realised I could not stay in that house till he was there. I felt very unsafe and plain disoriented. So unsure about everything. And my other aunt was on vacation, so I did not have any option but to stay put in the same house. On the other hand, I thought, why should I leave. I had done no wrong. Throughout breakfast I was contemplating all my options.

My Aunt who has a keen eye noticed that there was something amiss. She asked me and I broke down. She told me I should've created a furore right then and there - woken up the whole household and the neighbours. I ought to have come to her immediately. My Uncle spoke to him and the cheapskate came and offered an apology. As if it that made everything ok. All I know is that he lived the next few days there unperturbed. While I would freeze everytime he appeared on the scene. I was very shaken up by the whole experience for a while till life and living and other preoccupations buried it into some dark recesses of my mind.

Yes, I saw this person again at the same Aunt's place. He was married, visiting with wife. I felt nothing........just a small twinge of pity for her. The price one has to pay for growing up................