Are you such a parent?

The household is taking a post-lunch weekend siesta. It is a very normal Saturday. Because of bad weather, we have had to postpone a weekend outing. I would not even think of recording it for any other reason but this.

Lunch was wound up, the fridge finally empty of dosae batter and other assorted carry forward stuff. The kids were in the bedroom playing some game of rough and tumble or pull-push. While I was clearing up in the kitchen I heard the husband admonishing them to play gently. I was on phone with a friend, actually just started talking to her when I heard lil G cry and very loudly. I heard the husband scold big G after which she too burst into loud tears and protests. My MIL rushed in to investigate what had happened. I excused myself quickly from the call to go in when lil G crying uncontrollably, in great pain, was brought to me. Big G had pulled her hand very roughly and despite the husband's warnings was rough with her.

First we attempted to quieten lil G and check what had happened. Her hand is swollen now. I gave her some painkiller. We applied some Moov and then have also resorted to cold compress round the elbow as that is what she pointed to as visibly hurting. She has sobbed herself to sleep.

Big G watched all of this sullenly. She got a big dollop of scolding from her father and has stuck to her grandmother for sympathy. She knew that what she did was wrong but has been acting defiant and did not even say sorry to her little sister. She is smarting from the obvious rejection from parents and the attention given to little sister. Normally I am always around to watch over them and intervene beforehand when games get rough and caution them regarding getting or causing hurt. So this is a first time for us. Maybe as parents of two girls, aggression in physical games we encounter is much less and are facing such a situation for the first time where one sibling has hurt another.

After things had quietened down a bit, I tried to talk Big G into taking a nap but felt I couldn't reach her. At such emotionally fraught times, I am struck with emotional barrenness. I just do what is needed like automation, but since emotions, thoughts and feelings are fragile, I don't want to disturb or handle them too much. Though my heart went out to lil G who was in pain, I could not muster the needed empathy for Big G who also needed the reassurance from at least one of her parents that inspite of what she's done, she is loved too. This though was not acceptable.

I know that things will settle down, the matter blow over once lil G is ok. Big G and lil G will not fret over this for long but get back to playing with one another. But what strikes me is my lack of parenting empathy. I am being brutally honest here. I don't love one child more than the other, in fact there are times I would say each is a nuisance and sweetheart in the same breath. So, that's my realization as on this Saturday. Have you ever felt like this?

Comments

  1. Uma25 August 2012 at 20:13

    Ohhh...hope Lil' G is better now..
    kids forgive easier and like you said, things will return to normalcy. Maybe once the blow has mellowed a bit, you can talk to Big G about how disturbing it was to see one of the kids to get hurt badly and maybe also reassure her simultaneously.
    I understand what you mean by emotional barrenness..it sometimes becomes difficult to feel for the errant when emotions are still raw. It is maybe a good thing that your MIL is around and she can provide the cushion that is needed for big G?

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    1. Chatty Wren25 August 2012 at 21:49

      Thanks Uma! Big G is still a child, not even 6 and yet sometimes I expect her to behave as maturely as an adult, which is unfairon my part. But the elder child is often saddled with such expectations, I feel because I am one too. Yes, am glad the MIL is around. Though by now, everyone is pretty normal.

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  2. Unknown26 August 2012 at 03:18

    Maybe it is better that you did not get emotional! That really does not help! I feel that Big G did not know that she would cause so much pain even though she did feel angry with Little G. I was always defiant, especially when I knew myself that I had done something wrong, simply because I hated being shouted at.
    I feel that, when you are prepared to, you definitely should talk to her, but in a relatively non-judgmental way. Let her explain why she did what she did. Then, make sure that she understands that what she did was wrong and should not be repeated....and that little G will get the same punishment if she does the same. She should not feel that both parents are against her and only for Little G. That kind of spells death to any good relationship the sisters might have! :S

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    1. Chatty Wren26 August 2012 at 13:13

      Yes Roshni, maybe it was good I didn't. And maybe it's a normal reaction from a kid when she is expecting some strong parental reaction. We have spoken to Big G in a calm moment and explained the whole scene and consequences. Today after we got back from the hospital with lil G, I could see her relieved that her sister is back to normal. And now they are back to playing together:)

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  3. Aparna26 August 2012 at 06:13

    Hey Chatty wren. This is very common...ok wat I mean by that is that I feel like this very often :) As u can imagine, this happens far more in our house because ads is bigger and stronger and being a boy tends to be more aggressive without even knowing it.
    Give bigG more time, she'll get over it. I think there is no point talking to her when the incident is still raw and fresh. After a day, everything gets back into perspective. However she must definitely apologize to her sister, whether it was done by accident or by design.
    Yes elder children do get burdened by unfair expectations sometimes! That's their lot! Just like having to share right from day 1 and never having their parent's undivided attention is the lot of the younger child!

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    1. Chatty Wren26 August 2012 at 13:18

      Oh, am so relieved that is is a normal occurrence. Big G has realized that she was playing too rough with her younger sis. She apologized too. lil G is back to normal today after her arm was reset. And both are playing together just fine:)

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    2. Unknown28 August 2012 at 01:38

      That's good to know chatty wren, so ultimately a case of all is well that ends well, I guess :) !

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    3. Chatty Wren29 August 2012 at 08:31

      Yes, Mom with a Dot, all is well now:) Thanks!

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  4. Anonymous30 August 2012 at 13:04

    Hey Hugs to you...i didn't have to face such a situation, but i do get a rage at times, and i just can't stand Zini then.
    Nice to know that everything is back to normal now :)

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    1. Chatty Wren30 August 2012 at 14:14

      Thanks ZM, thankfully this does not happen often, but I feel bad whenever it does. Yes, we are all fine now:)

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