Two steps forward, one step back. Change sequence, repeat
The days are a blur. I am doing what I have to, not always what I want to. Now, I don't really know if this is a dilemma which everybody else faces as well. Well, I'm interested in knowing how you synthesize these dichotomies of living in your everyday lives. Do you accept them with a sniff and squared shoulders or do you rant to a sympathetic random audience, or get on with it without giving it a second thought. You know which camp I belong to:)
Here's what I think. If say around 10 or make it 12 years ago, I would not have believed some realities in my life. Petty stuff like if I would be the first person to wake up at home, I would not believe you. Or that I would be the resident chai-walla and cook and cleaner, I would probably poke your eye. But with elimination as an answering technique I would myself choose to get up early and make tea. Yes, over being prodded awake and being told to make tea or when I insist on being served, get some not-so-great tea and a bonus of splattered stove, kitchen top and microwave!
Or that I would be the sole person responsible for bathing, feeding, teaching, amusement - basically everything for my children, like 99% of the time. That is after the making bit got done thankfully, do excuse the crudeness. I would have been extremely lost without help there. Or answer all calls related to nutrition and food and kitchen management. But find that the kitchen is also the place where all the junk from the rest of the house lands up unfailingly - like a fallen nail, hair clips and rubber bands, loose coins, a handkerchief......
Sometimes, in the hotel I run, and I can call my home that most times- not one of those 3 or 4 star types, but extremely lived in one, where I run my one-man show. Service here is first with a smile and then a frown and a gentle and then a strong rebuke and finally the threat of withdrawing assorted privileges. Works mostly. And payment is not in money, but hugs and cuddles and feedback ranges from good cooker to bad, best momma to slecht (bad). I can snuggle and sleep with the guests (all of 3), whenever I chose to. These are the hum-drum stuff.
And then there are the other learnings - living indefinitely in a foreign country and trying to establish a zone of comfort, network and relationships. Grappling with learning foreign languages and living with the realization that one's own National Language and mother tongue are being erased from your life, slowly. All the time wondering what is the big picture here, plans don't pan out always. Dependence on someone else to facilitate the smallest of your needs. That one totally gets me down, it has been against my nature to ask for help for stuff I ought to/should be doing myself.
And then the other lessons -Maths was taught all wrong in school. Addition amounts to plussing of concerns, worries and slights. It is the subtraction and letting go that helps in leading a lighter, more peaceful life. BODMAS helps, tackling things one at a time as per priority. Not holding on to the past or getting stuck in the frog-in-the-well syndrome which can happen when you have a minimal contact with the world outside. The inability to pick up a direction for yourself. Trying to be content in the now, but either you are or you are not, you can't fool yourself. Finding the balance in being just fair in certain expectations of yourself and not aspiring towards something because its mandated. Even finding faith elusive at times. Learning how to let go, thankfully lots of lessons here and being surprised pleasantly too at the kindness of strangers. Lessons in everything, all the time, that you want to bunk a class on the pretext of mild flu, like I am today:) And so much to teach and to learn, that you even believe in rebirth only for that.
So much for now. Have let out a volley of thoughts, now back to pavilion.
Here's what I think. If say around 10 or make it 12 years ago, I would not have believed some realities in my life. Petty stuff like if I would be the first person to wake up at home, I would not believe you. Or that I would be the resident chai-walla and cook and cleaner, I would probably poke your eye. But with elimination as an answering technique I would myself choose to get up early and make tea. Yes, over being prodded awake and being told to make tea or when I insist on being served, get some not-so-great tea and a bonus of splattered stove, kitchen top and microwave!
Or that I would be the sole person responsible for bathing, feeding, teaching, amusement - basically everything for my children, like 99% of the time. That is after the making bit got done thankfully, do excuse the crudeness. I would have been extremely lost without help there. Or answer all calls related to nutrition and food and kitchen management. But find that the kitchen is also the place where all the junk from the rest of the house lands up unfailingly - like a fallen nail, hair clips and rubber bands, loose coins, a handkerchief......
Sometimes, in the hotel I run, and I can call my home that most times- not one of those 3 or 4 star types, but extremely lived in one, where I run my one-man show. Service here is first with a smile and then a frown and a gentle and then a strong rebuke and finally the threat of withdrawing assorted privileges. Works mostly. And payment is not in money, but hugs and cuddles and feedback ranges from good cooker to bad, best momma to slecht (bad). I can snuggle and sleep with the guests (all of 3), whenever I chose to. These are the hum-drum stuff.
And then there are the other learnings - living indefinitely in a foreign country and trying to establish a zone of comfort, network and relationships. Grappling with learning foreign languages and living with the realization that one's own National Language and mother tongue are being erased from your life, slowly. All the time wondering what is the big picture here, plans don't pan out always. Dependence on someone else to facilitate the smallest of your needs. That one totally gets me down, it has been against my nature to ask for help for stuff I ought to/should be doing myself.
And then the other lessons -Maths was taught all wrong in school. Addition amounts to plussing of concerns, worries and slights. It is the subtraction and letting go that helps in leading a lighter, more peaceful life. BODMAS helps, tackling things one at a time as per priority. Not holding on to the past or getting stuck in the frog-in-the-well syndrome which can happen when you have a minimal contact with the world outside. The inability to pick up a direction for yourself. Trying to be content in the now, but either you are or you are not, you can't fool yourself. Finding the balance in being just fair in certain expectations of yourself and not aspiring towards something because its mandated. Even finding faith elusive at times. Learning how to let go, thankfully lots of lessons here and being surprised pleasantly too at the kindness of strangers. Lessons in everything, all the time, that you want to bunk a class on the pretext of mild flu, like I am today:) And so much to teach and to learn, that you even believe in rebirth only for that.
So much for now. Have let out a volley of thoughts, now back to pavilion.
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Not certain if you enjoy the genre, but try watching English Vinglish. That is what I was thinking about.
ReplyDeleteSure I plan to! Well since I know the story line, no it's not apples to apples for my post or my situation :) Though, yes, one is free to draw out the similarities.
DeleteRunning a household with kids on one pair of shoulders almost all the time can be very tiresome and frustrating. I can relate to the part about choosing to do stuff yourself rather than having others do it and then having to deal with the associated mess. I wouldn't have believed this part about me too some years ago :-)
ReplyDeleteHaving said this, am really thankful for the better half who pitches in for the stuff related to R. He does quite a lot when he is around. So, I'm not always harried.
I don't know how I'll fare when the studies kick in.
Totally get the part about the dependency part. Hope things go your way soon. But, you hang in there. You seem to having a lot more on your plate than you'd like.
Hey thanks Uma! Well, maybe I've not painted a fair picture I think, the husband does help with kids when required or needed. It's just that I've grown up in a house where my father would pitch in so much, even take over the kitchen at times and so I have different expectations :) While he believes we ought to play to our strengths..........
DeleteIts not so much about the chores itself. For me living away from family eliminates any fall back options, 0 support. The responsibility to be there 24 X 7 gets overwhelming at times. Papa Bear insists we should find a reliable nanny, but I'm never comfortable with a stranger taking care of my kids. More so, when I fall sick (like that teeth extraction!) Of course, between the two of us and the kids' co-operation, we do get past these phases, but still the strangeness of the situation lingers and I do find myself alone, really lonely during such times. Sending Hugs....
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for understanding my situation! Living with zero fall-back options is difficult, I totally get it. For me, it is an expectation mis-match wrt parenting bit. I would've loved if it was more of a teamwork than it currently is and it gives me a breather at times.
DeleteLiving in a country outside India does make you self-reliant, but it would be wonderful to wake up to a steaming hot cup of coffee...and sometimes, I do get that from the hubs! :))
ReplyDeleteYou are indeed lucky, sigh!
DeleteHey hugs...i know that feeling very well (though, generally i am not the 1st one to get up, it is either hubby or Zini who wakes me up).
ReplyDeleteBut then hubby travels a lot and then it's me doing everything for Zini.
i too sometimes call up my friends and then we complain about our respective husbands and kids to each other ;)
makes us feel lot better :)
Hey thanks ZM, I guess a good rant at times with friends makes one relieved. Good idea for me to do it on my blog, am feeling much better:)
DeleteI can relate to this... getting on with the routine doing what you have to do not want to do ... Take a break. It helps. Ask husband to cook on the weekend or just go out... for a change don't worry too about the mess :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Lifesong, I am doing that one of these days, going on a strike, breaking the routine. He he, am sure that will be good fun, thanks:)
DeleteI can relate to everything..I nevr wanted to get up early, but have been doing it all my life for different reasons and now I want to do that for spiritual reasons:)..best time of day shouldnt be spent sleeping:)
ReplyDeleteOh it helps that others can relate to it. My grouse is certainly not getting up early, or doing housework, but about how after moving out of India and having kids. I seem to be living a different life than one I had envisioned.
DeleteEverything exists in dualities and the truth is that what gives us pleasure will definitely give us pain..the truth is we just need to accept things for what they are - they are pain + pleasure, pain alone, pleasure alone, and together they also cancel out each other!
ReplyDeleteWe are all our elements we are made of...We are also like none of the elements we are made of :D :D
And focusing on the now is difficult but not impossible...just be in charge of each moment of your life..take one step at a time..it's ok to give charge to something else in some moments - the good thing is to keep coming back and taking back your charge :)
Thanks Divya, for the perspective, will try it out:)
DeleteHi Chatty wren
ReplyDeleteHaving lived an isolated life in the US for almost 4 years, I totally get what you are saying. It must be much harder in a country where even the language is alien. No backup - that's very very hard. As I used to tell my mom sometimes, I want the option of falling sick, feeling blue, feeling lazy, and knowing that the house and family would not fall apart. HUgs and good vibes coming your way!
Having said that, I also feel that there are phases in one's life where it all just seems like drudgery and work and not leading the life one planned to lead. I guess, we just need to put our heads down and trudge forward anyways and hope that this too shall pass. Autopilot mode for a few years!
Thanks for your kind words! At times after publishing the post I have felt like one of those responsibility-shirking cribbers, which I am so not. But really, what you say is correct - there is just no option but to soldier on.
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