Friends, reasons, seasons

We first met in our children's school. The school held their open annual festival in  March. That particular day was cold and windy. My daughter, a little over 3 years, had recently joined school. My second baby was 8 months old and we'd just returned back to this country. I was contending with sleepless nights once again, resettling into the new life and as a new mother of two with hardly any time to myself. My daughter had to still integrate with the new language and culture at school. I would guess the husband was adjusting to having his family back after 8 long months.

Perhaps this was her first sight of us as a family - a bit disjointed, still getting our bearings...and made some kind of impression on her. My daughter was crying on stage and I had unshed tears feeling her pain and distress of not being able to participate whole-heartedly. In fact to add to our visible discomfort, I was under-dressed for the windy weather and we also had a guest along.

There was a group of Indians gathered in a corner and she was parring with another mother about work and general other friends, etc. We introduced ourselves then, but I have no impressions of that time. I remember bumping into her a couple of times. She'd offered a lift home, but I always refused saying I needed the walk. Maybe she took it literally. There was a time when at her place for tea, she asked if I'll eat some fried stuff as I oughtn't to be indulging o:O!

They invited us home one day. We connected ok, in part because I'd just suddenly stopped interacting with a 'friend/acquaintance' of earlier and needed someone to talk with. She was on the look out for somebody too - she had never found any Indian good enough to befriend in all the years she lived here. We both were from the city of dreams and that helped naturally. As good etiquette demands, we invited them back too. I was not and still am not too much in the friends game. I take the onus of this - for being a little uptight, introvert-ish, need my time and space, some occasional self-esteem issues and one of those slow-pokes who emerges from their cave and then finds life too fast, too daunting and rushes back inside to process those experiences of being in the open.

She had only one son, and the play-date arrangements with my kids also made perfect sense to her. Wednesday afternoons were reserved for her, it is all thanks to our neighbour downstairs and his protests that I could reduce them eventually. Alternately she would drop in for lunch during her lunch hour and have lunch at my place. I think she felt very comfortable at my place. She would insist on making tea and insist on helping me load my dish-washer. Something I don't find easy to do in other people's kitchens.

The second time she came over, she had already told me about her experiences of marrying into a foreign country, building a life for herself, how her husband is her soul-mate, how she wears the pants-at-home, etc etc. I never inquired further into these confidences, never passed comments or judgments. Not even when she told me she had gone to a colleague's place for dinner and  had got into a verbal fight about some stray comment he made on her. Nobody dared to do that and she managed to make him apologize. Or how she stood up to her in-laws. Yawn, each person, their problems. But in the little that I told her of me, I could see myself being graded, pegged at a level of sorts.

In my experience friendships should be on an equal footing, you can complement each other but looking up or down does not harbor well for long. The first time I consciously remember it happened  was her commenting on my MIL's action, totally remote and unconnected to her. I thought it was quite uncalled for. I should've shut her up, but didn't and rue it till this day. A couple of times it was a backhanded remark on my husband. 'I shouldn't be saying this but as a friend.......'. Of course, it was very cleverly worded with her best intentions for me, only me, in her mind. Somewhere I've read or heard that the relationship between two people is something only they can appreciate and understand. So I've never bothered to explain to anyone my relationships, certainly with my own spouse, how ridiculous is the thought! Oh and the soul-mate factor, I don't corroborate to in any case:)

I can't stand opinionated people or those who are full of themselves. She would be quick to pass judgement about others - how privileged is S a SAHM to have a cleaner, why can't she do it herself or how so and so is a snob, etc. I am also a party to informed gossip, but try to not be judgmental. And she would protect everything about herself, her life, decisions, relationship very well, very niftly and aggressively - it is decency on my part that I never question her on anything. Free world, after all.

A strange thing is I never discuss my friends with the husband. But for her I did make an exception, and his advice for me was to be wary. I'd realised this on my own too, that she did have insecurities of her own. Only unlike me, hid them very well. I would not say there was nothing nice or admirable about her, there is. She is a self-made person, a good cook, keeps a clean house, pursues hobbies etc.  I am afraid I can't comment on values because it is to each his own and I have my own criteria to adhere to. I also think it helps to focus on one's own life than to keep tabs over somebody else's.

Soon we would meet but there was nothing new for me to share easily and readily with her. Because I did not want any small or big success or failure going on in my life to meet her censure or approval or judgement - thank you very much, I'd rather leave it to the voices in my head. Then there was this move. She even asked me to share pics of the house before we moved.What was it - was she envious, competitive, this is only a rented place, for God's sake. Then there was this talk I had after coming here over the dissonance one sometimes has to change. Something went a bit wrong there. I haven't even wanted to analyse it. I shouldn't have made that call, it was not 3:00 am. And then I'd made it to a wrong person. I did not want to hear - but we told you so.

We did some small talk recently, it was rather difficult for me. She'd called a couple of days after my birthday, but did not remember to wish me. Nor did I remind her. When once we could talk for long, I was struggling then. Our talk was stilted;  after learning about some movies she'd watched and telling her about the ones I plan to watch, I hung up. My recent phone crash has obliterated my contact list and that is my excuse not to call. The ball is out of the court now.

And I am back to feeling very very unlucky about my friendships!