Empathy is not for everyone!
If there ever was a time in life when I was less confused or totally sorted out, well I just don't know about it :) I guess we all are overwhelmed at times with decisions and choices in life - could be as mundane as which colour handbag to buy or brand of detergent to pick up, right down to more complex ones like the subject I should major in, where should I settle down, is this the right guy for me, or which of these two job offers I should accept, or just what should I do with my life. Most choices come with an opportunity cost (time, money, energy, resources, emotional surcharge). Not to mention the other so many niggling doubts and questions which sail in unseen whilst life is just chugging along course.
A lot of anxiety stems when making a decision because of course, we want to take a right decision after weighing all options. I mean, going wrong is so not done, isn't it? So bad for the ego! Sometimes decisions are taken with the heart and you just bring your mind around it. And then some are taken strictly weighing pros and cons, in good faith only. Still not convinced? A good idea is to look at 5 year perspectives or maybe 10 year ones too, if you want to zoom out and make it look really really small :D. If you can laugh about it, still the better! The small factual error, that one minor detail you overlooked when you chose to go this way, when you had to make a decision but did not have all facts together.....
Mistakes do happen, inspite of. Some are not very reversible, you just have to live with them. I've been rationalizing with my husband about our house move, since even before we decided on this place. Other than the neighbour who'd started to become a bit intolerant about the noise of children playing about in the house, there was no factor which pushed us to it. But that had started getting to us. So when we decided to move, it was a grab-the-first-decent-place-in-the-market-and-move thing. Only this place is far. Far away from the place we were used to and comfortable in. It is far from the husband's office too - a BIG factor for me, turns out not so much for him then ;)
Now we are unpacked and settling in our different ways. I still have to find my pressure cooker whistle from the move and figure out the switches to the garden lights (still on at this hour!!) The children have kind of got used to school. Big G is enrolled in activities she wants, lil G is awaiting hers to begin. I get by with the little Dutch I've learnt, the one thing I'm really proud of myself (even if I say it myself)! I need to work on my driving to get around, this push I did need. Have been flouting rules almost every day!
Surprise, surprise, the one who is having second thoughts about the moving is the husband. Because he has a long commute to work, in slow-moving traffic, which I can empathize can get frustrating on a daily bases. Yet, I can barely restrain myself from saying - I told you so. Since we are supposed to be in this together, but the decision was taken almost single handedly by him! So a move back is being considered quite vocally by him, I am not saying anything....
Had a low moment a while ago and tried to talk to a 'friend'. I think I ought to set firm boundaries in my relationships or maybe, just maybe, the problem is with her. I am literally confused and a bit put-off after being diagnosed as a case of severe depression, which may just incapacitate my normal functioning life long o:O. It was also implied that I'm virtually unemployable, that hurt! I ended up laughing (albeit one of those sarcastic laughs) and actually wondered why I bother with all the frivolousness and duplicity involved in adult friendships.
Felt a lot better after jumping rope and playing with the kids. Felt back to normal and almost forgiving after reading this on my FB wall -
"Should anyone ever utter a thing that hurts another's feelings? An unpleasant truth, though true, must not be uttered. For that grows into a habit. By indulging in rude words one's nature becomes rude. One's sensitivity is lost if one has no control over one's speech. And once a man casts all consideration for others to the winds, he stops at nothing. The Master would say, 'If you have to ask a lame man how he became lame, then you have to speak thus: "How did your leg come to such a condition?" ' "
- Holy Mother Sri Sarada Devi
Well, we all live and learn.
A lot of anxiety stems when making a decision because of course, we want to take a right decision after weighing all options. I mean, going wrong is so not done, isn't it? So bad for the ego! Sometimes decisions are taken with the heart and you just bring your mind around it. And then some are taken strictly weighing pros and cons, in good faith only. Still not convinced? A good idea is to look at 5 year perspectives or maybe 10 year ones too, if you want to zoom out and make it look really really small :D. If you can laugh about it, still the better! The small factual error, that one minor detail you overlooked when you chose to go this way, when you had to make a decision but did not have all facts together.....
Mistakes do happen, inspite of. Some are not very reversible, you just have to live with them. I've been rationalizing with my husband about our house move, since even before we decided on this place. Other than the neighbour who'd started to become a bit intolerant about the noise of children playing about in the house, there was no factor which pushed us to it. But that had started getting to us. So when we decided to move, it was a grab-the-first-decent-place-in-the-market-and-move thing. Only this place is far. Far away from the place we were used to and comfortable in. It is far from the husband's office too - a BIG factor for me, turns out not so much for him then ;)
Now we are unpacked and settling in our different ways. I still have to find my pressure cooker whistle from the move and figure out the switches to the garden lights (still on at this hour!!) The children have kind of got used to school. Big G is enrolled in activities she wants, lil G is awaiting hers to begin. I get by with the little Dutch I've learnt, the one thing I'm really proud of myself (even if I say it myself)! I need to work on my driving to get around, this push I did need. Have been flouting rules almost every day!
Surprise, surprise, the one who is having second thoughts about the moving is the husband. Because he has a long commute to work, in slow-moving traffic, which I can empathize can get frustrating on a daily bases. Yet, I can barely restrain myself from saying - I told you so. Since we are supposed to be in this together, but the decision was taken almost single handedly by him! So a move back is being considered quite vocally by him, I am not saying anything....
Had a low moment a while ago and tried to talk to a 'friend'. I think I ought to set firm boundaries in my relationships or maybe, just maybe, the problem is with her. I am literally confused and a bit put-off after being diagnosed as a case of severe depression, which may just incapacitate my normal functioning life long o:O. It was also implied that I'm virtually unemployable, that hurt! I ended up laughing (albeit one of those sarcastic laughs) and actually wondered why I bother with all the frivolousness and duplicity involved in adult friendships.
Felt a lot better after jumping rope and playing with the kids. Felt back to normal and almost forgiving after reading this on my FB wall -
"Should anyone ever utter a thing that hurts another's feelings? An unpleasant truth, though true, must not be uttered. For that grows into a habit. By indulging in rude words one's nature becomes rude. One's sensitivity is lost if one has no control over one's speech. And once a man casts all consideration for others to the winds, he stops at nothing. The Master would say, 'If you have to ask a lame man how he became lame, then you have to speak thus: "How did your leg come to such a condition?" ' "
- Holy Mother Sri Sarada Devi
Well, we all live and learn.
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Oh I hope u don't have to move back again!!
ReplyDeleteAs far as adult friendships are concerned, one has to set firm boundaries but sometimes like u said - "Its not me, its him/her". I've been through some of these situations. Some friends get cut off, others hang on and mend their ways, others continue to inflict pain on u but u learn to ignore!
No Aparna, we don't plan to move back, for a while:) Totally agree, boundaries need to be set and continually reinforced too. One person's silence is cause for another's aggression! Yes, ignoring is the best policy.
ReplyDeleteBoundaries are good in all relationships..but very difficult to have...I feel that most of the time with people who are close to you boundaries dont matter and when we need them, it means that person is not very close.
ReplyDeleteI understand Renuji, that boundaries are difficult to have in relationships. Even with our close ones we sometimes err by speaking/expecting too much! But having boundaries makes the interactions limited and easier to manage with no heart-aches on either side. And which would automatically imply that the person is not very close or the relationship very meaningful.
DeleteOof!! Apparently, some people know more about our inner workings than we do ourselves!! Just ignore these type of remarks..so not worth bothering about!
ReplyDeleteYes, sad when friends make such presumptions about you. Just ignoring it.
Deletecatching up with your old posts..have been so out of the blog world.
ReplyDeleteI so understand what you feel and have written here about setting limits and apparent friends doing just the opposite of what was expected and required of them...
Don't bother with such people. It's them not us!
I'm getting anxious about any more impending house moves for you :-0 :-)
I know, and was happy to read your latest posts Uma! Seriously sometimes I do think empathy and sensitivity have to be cultivated consciously and enforced. All I was looking at was to vent my feelings, but...! Another house move, not this year for sure :) but seems like we do have some nomadic blood, which will keep us on the go:)
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