Of no fixed address....
Not too long ago, I read two posts on expat life and immigration experiences, here at MomWithaDot's blog and one which she recommends here at Amelia Grace's blog. MWaD writes very eloquently about her experience and what she likes about her new country. I fell in love with the word 'Adoption' - the title itself and the analogy she uses to explain the difference in ways of life in the two countries, and the implications vis-a-vis adaption.
In all my readings of blogs by expats and at one point of time I did read too many of them, there is a common realisation of living suspended somewhere between two geographies. One is physically present in one country but wants to recreate a life one is familiar with from the old one. One admits to difficulties in adapting to the new or even the reluctance in having to, of working on growing out of one's comfort zones, trying to transpose one's life's beliefs onto a foreign structure and then reconciling to the fact, however reluctantly, that it is not so easy as packing and unpacking carton boxes in a new space. The need is to change, to be open, to embrace, to venture forth, to withdraw, anything you chose to make it easier, or even bearable for you... but nothing is going to be the same that you once knew. Like building a Lego tower on a Meccano set. New constructs, new ways of living have to be adopted.
In all this, I realise that I use the term expat/ immigrant interchangeably but if you want to read a post on correct nomenclature, perhaps you should check out this post at Smitha's blog. And I would still maintain it is open to debate.
Have you read 'The Immigrant' by Manju Kapoor? I don't rate the book as mesmerizing or unputdownable as Jhumpa Lahiri's books of the same genre, but I do empathise with the character of Nina as an immigrant wife. Popularly known as trailing spouses, this ought to be a separate category to expats, immigrants, political refugees. Everytime I meet someone and we share our experiences of being here, I realize that immigration experience is somewhat more difficult and challenging for one particular lot - the spouse who stays at home. Bereft of any formal or social groups like a corporate or even a university or college, fully dependent on his/her spouse (sometimes the only person he/she knows in a foreign country) that the experience can be sometimes very daunting for this group.
My own thoughts and explorations as early as this come to mind. I personally think of that post as predictive (even if I'm saying so :)) When we came here it was to be for a year, maximum two. More than 6 years down the line, we are wanting to go back and unable to decide when, where and why and work on the how. The country that I left behind and go back to almost every year for holidays is increasingly unfamiliar. Come April, I know the bank cheque-books are going to change to a new format. There is the Aadhar scheme for the UID which I am unsure about, I still don't have my voter card. How will I be able to vote in 2014? Where am I going to be in 2014? No idea, worse, not even my decision anymore.
My soujourn here with a long career break has silently squished normal work prospects. Pursuing language classes and still far from reaching any sorts of 'native' proficiency. The cultural mis-match in what I grew up with, what I left behind, what's my reality and what I ought to teach my children. The economic slowdown... The guilt of being the non-contributing partner and being a reluctant home-maker. The extent to which I ought to diminish my needs and wants. Not able to be there for parents. These are probably dilemmas which any and every woman/mother back home also faces but somehow seem amplified in my case given the 'foreigness' element. All I know is I am the one who's left behind. I can find ample ways to occupy my day, people to talk to but I still grapple with my personal existential dilemma all the time. Maybe, too paralysed to act.
Would love to hear your experiences!
In all my readings of blogs by expats and at one point of time I did read too many of them, there is a common realisation of living suspended somewhere between two geographies. One is physically present in one country but wants to recreate a life one is familiar with from the old one. One admits to difficulties in adapting to the new or even the reluctance in having to, of working on growing out of one's comfort zones, trying to transpose one's life's beliefs onto a foreign structure and then reconciling to the fact, however reluctantly, that it is not so easy as packing and unpacking carton boxes in a new space. The need is to change, to be open, to embrace, to venture forth, to withdraw, anything you chose to make it easier, or even bearable for you... but nothing is going to be the same that you once knew. Like building a Lego tower on a Meccano set. New constructs, new ways of living have to be adopted.
In all this, I realise that I use the term expat/ immigrant interchangeably but if you want to read a post on correct nomenclature, perhaps you should check out this post at Smitha's blog. And I would still maintain it is open to debate.
Have you read 'The Immigrant' by Manju Kapoor? I don't rate the book as mesmerizing or unputdownable as Jhumpa Lahiri's books of the same genre, but I do empathise with the character of Nina as an immigrant wife. Popularly known as trailing spouses, this ought to be a separate category to expats, immigrants, political refugees. Everytime I meet someone and we share our experiences of being here, I realize that immigration experience is somewhat more difficult and challenging for one particular lot - the spouse who stays at home. Bereft of any formal or social groups like a corporate or even a university or college, fully dependent on his/her spouse (sometimes the only person he/she knows in a foreign country) that the experience can be sometimes very daunting for this group.
My own thoughts and explorations as early as this come to mind. I personally think of that post as predictive (even if I'm saying so :)) When we came here it was to be for a year, maximum two. More than 6 years down the line, we are wanting to go back and unable to decide when, where and why and work on the how. The country that I left behind and go back to almost every year for holidays is increasingly unfamiliar. Come April, I know the bank cheque-books are going to change to a new format. There is the Aadhar scheme for the UID which I am unsure about, I still don't have my voter card. How will I be able to vote in 2014? Where am I going to be in 2014? No idea, worse, not even my decision anymore.
My soujourn here with a long career break has silently squished normal work prospects. Pursuing language classes and still far from reaching any sorts of 'native' proficiency. The cultural mis-match in what I grew up with, what I left behind, what's my reality and what I ought to teach my children. The economic slowdown... The guilt of being the non-contributing partner and being a reluctant home-maker. The extent to which I ought to diminish my needs and wants. Not able to be there for parents. These are probably dilemmas which any and every woman/mother back home also faces but somehow seem amplified in my case given the 'foreigness' element. All I know is I am the one who's left behind. I can find ample ways to occupy my day, people to talk to but I still grapple with my personal existential dilemma all the time. Maybe, too paralysed to act.
Would love to hear your experiences!
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gosh, Vibha! It is so easy to dream of living abroad and assume all great things about life in a new country, while the reality could be so way off the mark!
ReplyDeleteYour post and view point makes one realize how difficult it must be to live a life that you've not consciously chosen. The feeling of not having the roots firmly planted can be unnerving and distressing at so many different points in life.
I can only imagine, so cannot say I understand..However I can send my warm wishes to you..*hugs*
Thanks so much Uma! For me personally, it's not been that easy and delightful an experience. Also it's perhaps not a very balanced perspective since I've not mentioned the good parts of living here. As I say, relocation can be a different experience for different people, so many variables to consider here. But you are right, the feeling of not having roots or even the thought of having hybrid roots is not very appealing for now.
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ReplyDeleteI have never been in that situation before. The move from Ahmedabad to Bangalore after marriage was equally terrifying and fascinating for me. I can only guess at how much terrifying and fascinating moving to another country would be.
Take care. All the very best.
Agree TGND, I think I've not presented a balanced perspective here. Everything has the good and not-so great sides to it. I came prepared for a temporary stay here which has stretched to so long, but is not permanent, so it feels a permanent state of limbo for me.
DeleteGreat post !! And thanks for the mention...
ReplyDeleteIt's always interesting hearing about other expat experiences...sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who feels like this, so thanks for sharing your story!
It would be equally difficult to return back to your home country permanently after so long in your 'adopted country' -
Thanks Amelia, welcome here! True, a lot of us feel the same - not fully at home in our new country and increasingly removed from the life we were familiar with back home. And also, it takes time for us to get reconciled with it, but it becomes easier once we do.
DeleteMoving to the US on a temporary work project, then meeting my husband here and staying., I know that feeling all too well. Initially, we kept moving every 2 years, which kept me in a state of temporariness, wishing that I could just go back to the embrace of my familiar home,rather than having to figure out driving directions and what is available on which grocery aisle and making friends. At the same time, India was getting more and more unfamiliar.
ReplyDeleteNow that we have reached a city where we hope we will stay permanently ( whatever that means), I can at least put down roots. Think of this city as mine, rather than some place I am visiting as an outsider. I am no longer an immigrant in my mind, I belong here.I can imagine my daughter growing up here. Maybe that is the key? The acceptance that this is where I live? it took me 9 years though. :)
Your story sounds so fascinating and brave too, Preethi! What you say is true, a lot of my friends here say the same, they took 7 years, 8 years, and then once they bought a house or took up the citizenship or anything else, then they allowed themselves to think of here as home. And seriously, it is neither easy nor difficult, but a decision made of such a complex mix of factors and the fact that it's not so easily reversible that one wants to be sure, very sure. Maybe I ought to write about these in another post.
DeleteI haven't moved from one country to another but I have changed cities. The experience has not been terrifying as far as moving out was concerned. At present, I am thinking of changing cities again - I am worried about which city to choose, what will happen on the work-front...Will everything work out?
ReplyDeleteI think more than moving to a new place that is unfamiliar, it is terrorizing when an old place starts seeming different and unfamiliar...I know the way I feel when I return to Kolkata - while I am at home, everything is fine but the world is so different outside....It is a scary feeling!!!
Wish you the best of luck for your quest, Divya! I understand what you mean by the old place starting to seem unfamiliar - it means you are ready for a change too, things are plateauing and you need to try something different. That can be a real challenge while still being in the same place.
DeleteHugs...Moving to a new place can be very difficult, and as in your case moving to an alien country where people don't speak the language you speak or the culture is different then it becomes even more difficult.
ReplyDeleteI have moved cities in India only and here my experience has been good. There was never much of language or cultural barrier. And people have mostly been open and friendly.
Yes, a lot of us resist change in the face of it but adapt pretty soon. You are right, it is easier to move states in India because after all it's our own country. And the languages here it make it a little more of a challenge. Sometimes I wonder if I would've found it easier if I didn't have my baby immediately and had been able to explore more?
DeleteProfound post Chattywren. Something that is always there at the back of our minds, no?
ReplyDeleteI am in Singapore for over 2 years now. To be honest, I did not face any shock whatsoever, I welcomed the changes pretty happily. I was new, a bride-to-be and had my own reasons to be deliriously happy. I did miss my family like crazy and as a step towards rectifying that I spoke way too often with my family and still do. I sometimes feel that I talk so much more than I would have if I had been there. Almost as if I need to badly make up for all those grocery trips and family movies I am missing.
To this day, Singapore has a mix of culture that is not really shocking but more embracing. I keep myself occupied through work, volunteering, travelling, learning languages (Yes! I signed up for Mandarin) and so, somehow I haven't really thought a lot. What I do wonder about is where will I be a few years down the lane? What can I do so that I can get back to India and yet keep travelling around the world or what kind of move can I make so that going to India as and when I want wouldn't be a problem or subject to someone's approval. The answer it seems, is making a very vague appearance.
Thanks Kismi for sharing your experience. Wish you a happy stay in Singapore and lots of best wishes for the future as you want it to be:)
DeleteThank you for the kind words Vibha and for sharing your story. Frankly, blogging made it easier for me - the Mom, the Immigrant, the Woman.....basically ALL of me :D ! It amazes me that you've took on two European languages in one go - no small feat, that!
ReplyDeleteMWaD, thanks for your kind words! Really, I did not not you've been blogging since a long time. Regarding languages, since it is two, it is that much slower - I get by in either of the languages with a lot of err...and umm... and nodding of head :)
DeleteThis is natural restlessness, and will exist no matter where you choose to live or what you choose to do with your life. We returned to India 10 years ago, and while we don't regret the decision at all, we often feel the restlessness of having left something more interesting behind. However shallow this may sound, sometimes, the memory of the spotless cleanliness, the road discipline, the work ethics and, most importantly, the comfort of anonymity an alien country gives you does leave me feeling just a tad blue.
ReplyDeleteBut that said, the decisions we make, we make after much deliberation. They can never be wrong.
I never thought of it along those lines, LG! I think that because we've made up our minds not to settle here something refuses to allow me to embrace my life here fully, crazy as it may sound, not to get too attached. I doubt I would think on those lines anywhere I stay in India. But you are right, anonymity in a foreign country is both a blessing and a big grouse for me. And friends who've gone back keep talking about the dissonance they experience wrt traffic rules, paperwork, infrastructure - things people here take as a given.
DeleteThat was truly heart rending! I could feel your pain in a miniscule way by just reading this. But I want to tell you one thing. No woman who runs a family can be non-contributing even if she doesn't do so financially. In my opinion, a home maker contributes much more than the bread winner, especially when children come into the picture.
ReplyDeleteThis post has really made me think about a lot of things ..
Thanks Aarthy! Personally, I think women would be content to be home-makers if they felt empowered and I surprisingly don't see this in quite a few women. Myself, too, seem to be always on a constant see-saw of views and emotions pertaining to this.
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