Entre deux: newborn and your first child

The other day I was chatting with a friend who was expecting her second child. She had also moved back to India after some 12 years in the US. She spoke about the whole readjustment process on so many levels for the family. I empathized with her and even gave her some unsolicited advice, because my story was somewhat similar a few years ago.

In the beginning of the recession in 2009, the husband's job status was not clear.We had booked tickets for my parent's to come for lil G's birth and then almost overnight change of plans and Big G and me flew home. I was lucky that the airline allowed me to fly with my ballooned stomach. Once at parent's place and after finding a gynecologist etc, I was  somewhat relieved. But in all this, I had not had much time to spend with big G and that is a guilt I will live with all my life.

The poor kid was surrounded by people - Nana, Nani, my elderly grandmother, our helper Kiran, but Mama though physically present was just so distant. I was worried about our future, the guilt of not being a working spouse, second thoughts about the second baby... none of which would've been resolved immediately, or ever. Yes, I had been telling Big G that she is going to have a sister to play with, she had already named her Chulbuli.....but there were too many changes too soon. First, her Dad was not around, we had brought along only a few toys and books, there was talk of joining school and then my disconnect. 

Of course, lil G's birth made it even worse. Two days after that was school for Big G, a relief for us for 3 hours, but in the child's eyes it was sending-her-off someplace else. Dad came to visit after lil G was born and stayed for 4 days and left. And of course, I was even more unavailable at the moments when she needed me most, as I had one person stuck to my chest. My husband was furious, he told me I don't care if you are sleep deprived or whatever, spend every waking moment with Big G. 

Sleeping arrangements were changed. As lil G fell asleep in her cradle over us, Big G and me would whisper in the bed under her and look at the moon and stars from our window. In the morning, I would leave a wailing lil G to drop Big G to school, and again run to pick her up, as often as I could. We did evening walks together, would go to the temple nearby, pretend cook, and for the time I had to be with lil G she had a small baby doll whom she would look after. I am busy for some time, Mama, big G would tell me:) Reassurance and love, not that it had vanished but was preceded by a lot of other immediate concerns. So there is never a know-it-all moment in parenting.

It helps if the Father is around, which wasn't in our case. Also, contrast to the newborn, your child looks all grown up at 2.5 and you expect them to exhibit great restraints in behavior  It's not going to happen. Big G's biggest tantrums were in that period. But with time, acceptance happens and things will settle down. So, if you have chosen to walk this path the second time around, the scenery is going to be different every time. Take a deep breath, and go with the flow.

First posted at: Indian Moms Connect here