The IP address 94.225.255.1

I land up on her page each time she posts. I am reluctantly nodding my head at some posts, some updates leave me wanting to know a bit more - more insight I mean, more than what is revealed in the 500-600 blog post, polished for presentation. What happened after, is the issue resolved, am always yearning for a better glimpse of the person behind it.

This, my friends, is just one of those many one-sided relationships we develop in life - a celebrity, an author, a poet. Someone who we are secretly in awe of or maybe just someone we find interesting and want to follow. Every bit of their life in the open is under scrutiny - their style preference, exercise habits, food-haunts, pets, and of course relationships, habits, achievements. Technology makes this so easy now.

I am an an IP address which shows up on her blog at frequent random intervals.  For the record, she is not a popular blogger. I don't know if she tracks visitors, never gives the impression of being tech-savy. And I never leave comments. Co-incidentally we stay in the same country. Maybe I've heard of her in social gatherings, those gossips sessions which no woman-only gathering can claim to be a success without. I am the most silent of the group then. But definitely, I have other impressions than the ones from the blog.

So, there you know, I am a woman too, that I deliberately let out. Men, let me be honest, would find nothing of interest from her blog - some random personal updates (hopefully all true!), recipes, random pics, hmpff, waste of time! But that's all you're ever going to know of me. I did not seek her out. I stumbled upon her blog and must admit to being shocked! When we used to talk, she never mentioned that she blogged. Of course, that was a while ago, and I knew she was a prolific blog reader. Often I wonder how little of her was revealed in our exchanges.

As new mothers we did discuss a lot of  things, especially parenting and baby issues. We also held back some stuff - trying to put our best sides forward to each other. We are very different people. She had this insatiable curiosity about everything. I had a lot of my own issues going on and I shared as little or as randomly as I wanted to - never the full picture. Maybe it was a mis-match - expectations and levels of relating. She wanted all or nothing, and I had other priorities. She did eventually get the message. She pegged me down as an acquaintance - at a time when I could've used a friend.

We disconnected politely, finally and completely! That was when this shadowing started. A while later, she did a post. It was strange to see a post dedicated  to me, to us actually. I wanted to tell her to move on, such things happen to most adults on a daily basis. She never showed her feelings when interacting, always giving an impression that nothing could ruffle her existence. She helped me see dysfunctional in a new light. She helped me feel I was someone who could inspire someone. I am happy she is conquering her demons slowly but surely.

I often wake up with a gut feeling that she has updated her blog. I also know who she regularly visits. I can even empathize when a post which resonates well with me does not get comments. You see, blog hopping was never her strong point. She's always had few people in her inner circle.

It is strange that you empathize or feel happy for someone with whom you're no longer friends with, but I realise that in life nothing is impossible. It is just that I feel I am close to  reach those levels of self-actualization. She, as I read from her blog, has a long way to go still. The day I get down to commenting on this space, I would've won a battle over my own demons. Until then I will continue to be the returning IP address. The faithful reader, silent stalker, the IP address which pushes up return visits stats, once-upon-a-time but now distant friend - the names may vary. The IP address remains the same:)