Who am I?

Does'nt this happen to all at some point in their lives.............. you are bored with routine existence, but a little scared of trying something new that may upset the set rhythms of daily living, monday to saturday and sunday, the week after a weekend, months on months, and lo, its the next year. As i grow older, i surprise myself in my reluctance to change....... yet when I am forced into it, I take to it like a duck to water.

All new stages in my life, I have been a bit overwhelmed, somewhat bewildered, a bit hesitant to accept what comes next, but when it did, and many times caught off guard, it was not such a big deal. Work life, marriage, and parenting now............... juggling a myraid of roles and relating, yes........its possible. Which brings me to the stage in my life which I am currently grappling with.

Many people love the concept of living abroad, and make the most of it. I think it is the change that excites them. In my case, it has not been so. I came to Belgium in an advanced state of pregnancy. Suddenly, I was lost. Instead of being taken care of, I was so far away from friends and family, spending long days amongst the empty walls of an apartment, in a quite area outside Brussels. Unfamiliar sights, strange smells, a new culture, a very different way of living,................ my only company was my unborn baby whose kicks reminded me I wasn't as alone as I thought.

The local GB, ALdi were woefully inadequate for Indian food. For Indian groceries, we had to go into Brussels city to an Indian store. Once we had our ration at home I took my first step towards settling down - food is a great leveller, anywhere, everywhere. Also, the fact that Brussels, with all its noise and colours, a reminder of the Bombay I had left behind, is not far, made life here a bit more acceptable. I'd say a bit, because I still feel that I do not belong.

I don't belong to any formal or even informal association, except the commune library of course. My biggest social visits are to the grocery stores, or the library, where I get to practise my Dutch and French greetings and numbers. In my initial days, out of sheer boredom, I've spent hours going through the IKEA catalogue sighing wistfully at stuff I would not buy for my temporary residence here, but that which would look so good in the living room or kitchen back home. I also remember, my last visit to IKEA before my baby was born, I could hardly walk and I just pointed to the crib i want and spent rest of my time at the cafetaria seeing the world pass by.

Language, the biggest barrier and something I am still trying to overcome. ok, ok, i know vanavond is today, straaks is next, and morgen is tomorrow from TV, but come on 8 months to decipher this basic Flemish is a lot. Not that my French is much better, mind you. The conjugation of avoir and etre is still a code I am trying to crack. Ca va, bon soir, ma petit fille, and s'il vous plaits...........are manageable, don't expect any accents, that stage is far away. And i am working towards it................ sporadic attempts they are too (a confession!) !!

I know this is a step, but towards what end? As a trailing spouse, and a stay-at-home mother, which means somewhat of an enforced hibernation from society at large, I do feel alienated. A journey without a destination, a story without a theme, a clock without its hour-hand, a rudderless boat, anchored on some stray shore.......!!!!!!!

To that effect, this blog is a beginning, though sometimes I have not much to tell. A depositary for my thoughts, rants, observations. And that is that!!