Destination anywhere..........

Is it the weather (which sucks bigtime here)? Or the persistent flu which is targeting us all in turns, or the arguments with the husband which range from cold wars to angry whispers or finally, the state of inertia and nothingness I am finding myself in yet again. Talking myself out of it does not seem to help. If only I could pull up the covers and hide myself in there indefinitely. Things would have changed by the time I surface, surely. I am in a deep deep pit of dark emotions. I need fresh air!

If I could begin anew anywhere but here! If I could find the strength to face my fears, shake away the lethargy or even shake a leg, for that matter. But no, I can't string two words to write a coherent post or tackle mundane chores like the laundry pile maybe. All these can wait. I sense I am at the cross-roads of something. A turning point - for a few things. I am very scared about my attitude to change. For me it's like a game of lego blocks. I can dismantle a whole set, painstakingly created, to build something new, no remorse. Yes, I am ruthless, but I have only so much patience with souvenirs and memories. Always it is the craft which interests me as much the creation. What you put into building something, because not all outcomes can be predetermined, even in a classic heads or tails situation.

I am really glad that in some ways I still know myself because in many others I seem not to. I have changed, umm, for the better, I will not say that. Not naive, gullible, nice anymore. You can't read me very well, I give out mixed signals, sometimes on purpose. No, I will not tell you all that I think, feel. I am not going to give you the power to know me and therefore use me against me. Never again, ever.

And don't ask me plans or next steps, even what I plan to do in the next 5 mins. I don't know, I go with the flow, sometimes I can't accommodate a 5-minute interruption to my schedule. I am after all that train which was derailed. And now I am told I will be pushed back on track, only I must reach my station using lesser run tracks - meter guage or small, if you please,  making way for the ambitious and express chuggers. And of course, my destination has changed too, to accommodate my current situation. Only I will be told of it when needed.

I cough, steam, smoke and choke. The carriage is rusted, the hinges weak. No, the careless paint job does me no good. It is the inner soul that needs to be soothed and dressed and addressed. The guard comes and waves the flags - red/green, the bell rings but that's not my cue anymore. I work on a different signal now. And don't worry, I maybe train renegade but never that runaway train.