The language(s) connundrum.....

I am a language orphan!!! At home we seem to be facing a language crisis of sorts. Husband and me speak to each other in Hindi or English only. I consciously try to talk as much as I can  in Hindi because I feel I don't speak it very well. Somehow I don't like to state English as my first language though strangely I use it for  communication all the time, more often than  not. I feel I relate very formally to it, I don't prefer to use it to express my most private thoughts and emotions. Also I seem not to take too many liberties with it - certainly don't twist it around and play with it irreverently like a native speaker. (If you watch BBC or British serials/films/books, you will understand what I mean). So, it remains my second language as does Hindi, sadly Hindi has been relegated to third position. It's been 5 years during which my exposure to Hindi has been limited only to talking with  husband and friends. Yes internet and youtube hain, but I am not bombarded with  Hindi from all directions unlike in India.

My connection with my own mother tongue now feels a bit removed. I just love to hear Gujarati spoken,  my most precious memory is waking up to the sound of my parents conversing softly. I would shamelessly eavesdrop when travelling by the local trains to hear Gujarati spoken. 10 years married to a non-Guju who does not make any attempt to learn it, such a simple language it is and music to the ears!! Ok, ok, to mine! Don't want brickbats coming from the Bongs, Tamils, Marathis and Kannadigas, etc who read me!! Come to think of it, for the first seven years of my life Tamil and Gujarati were the only two languages I knew. Till I learnt Hindi after moving to a new place and completely lost touch with Tamil. Snap your fingers, just like that! Today, it feels like a big loss to me. Some words keep coming to me when I try speaking Kannada!! I listen very closely to my mom and other relatives who speak Gujarati to improve my spoken Gujarati.

Regarding Kannada, the husband never has attempted to teach me the language or insisted I learn. He doesn't even bother to speak it with the kids. Though I am told I am slacking in my attempts to talk in Gujarati. In fact, when the husband's family is together, they speak more Hindi than Kannada!!!! I am perpetually trying to pick up words and add it to my Kannada word-bank. I have one for all languages. Every time I go to Bangalore, I come back with a slightly enriched vocabulary than earlier but finally will tick notions for the language.

Between the kids and me, it is again a good mixture of Hindi, Gujarati and English. They speak more English to me, and now I even have big G using Dutch at times for what's-that-word situations. And I admit fault is mine, I ought to have stuck to Gujarati with Big G but I thought not knowing Dutch and English would pose a problem when in school. So it's best she learns English very well. Lil G somehow understands a lot of Gujarati and Hindi instinctively, don't know how!?! And between all four of us, it is again Hindi or English, more of the latter.

I also admit to a flirting dalliance with Bengali - having had Bong roommates for a few years. One in particular tried teaching me some songs too. Marathi is another language which I should've made an attempt to learn/speak but did not bother. Heard it being spoken recently and wanted to join in. Over the last 3 years am learning a bit of Dutch and French, both very different languages. Making small progress with it, every new word/phrase learnt is deposited in the specific word-bank and pulled out and used at the right time, only I don't get to meet/interact with people as much to practice. When you can comfort a crying child or whisper something sweet nothings to your loved one or even swear, or cry out in surprise, yes, that's one giveaway to which language you unconsciously think in or have a preference for.

Sometimes, just a thought, I would like to speak in a mixture of languages to express myself better.
Speaking to a person in their own language is a nice feeling. I am ambitious, I even want to learn German someday - I just love to hear it spoken. Beats spoken Dutch any time. But I don't want to now lose any of the languages I already know. And I want my children to learn their mother, father tongue and Hindi too. Everything else will come when it's needed.