New Year 2024; same old me

Hi there,  just happened to think of the blog today. The blog, when I did write more often, albiet inconsistently, was therapeutic for me. Helped me blow steam, coherently list out stuff, and best part is since I could not crack the code of mass-readership (its a personal blog after all, how interesting can a random stranger's life be(!😀?) I could really be candid and gave me good insight on the  workings of my mind. 

Maybe its my anxiety but I have been living with fear of some doom scenarios unfloding ...global crisis and wars etc  and then some internal stuff. Even though I often remind myself to be grateful for all the good stuff I do have in my life, believe me there is; truth is my myopic self has started to not think very highly of myself. The changing physical apperance is the starting point for feeling this way>glasses and menopause weight; greying hair make me feel a bit outdated. A 'silhouette' is a dream I can't aspire for. I have not been able to make up my mind on colouring my hair. I don't want to use chemical dyes and further damage my hair and mehendi effect is also not that great to me, so still on the fence. Have also realised the need to work on presenting myself smartly and I have only now started to dwell on outfit combos etc...just so late in life.

Another is overthinking combined with being a bit high on anxiety and being hypervigilant and it does not enable me to relax or be light. This was not the case a couple of years ago and I really should stop reading random folks doing threads on Twitter/anywhere else because then I really want to own every syndrome they highlight. IRL all I should be admitting to is sometimes feeling overwhelmed till I am able to regulate my thoughts and feelings. How about I start going with the premise that I am good enough and I will be fine. In all demanding situations in life so far, I have done ok; so why this feeling of inadequacy and pessimism that is like an overshirt that cloaks all my well paired outfits and decisions?

Family is my world; and yet I sense a disconnect.  I am not needed that much....the girls are 17 and 14....and more outspoken and critical of me as a parent. I am moody, I lash out, am demanding, there are negotiations, ultimatums.....I tell them am not in the same league as their friends. Everything can and should not be negitiable.  Also am peri menopausal and hormones are on a havoc apparently. Overall I feel am somewhere on the periphery looking at the family on the inside. Maybe its me, not them. Maybe its the delirious feverish state despite which I am still persisting to work on this post, as I had started it in Jan last month. But you can't ignore how one feels, even its a temporary feeling....There are also very few ones I can call on and speak about it..almost no one I can think of, timezone differences and what not...

I have to take some decisions: like curtains for the living room, type of rods and I don't know where to start. Apparently it is a woman's job. I don't know what I want, but know what I dont't want, guess thats a good  place to start. Wasted away the weekend with a flu hitting me, couldn't go for any planned activities, no dosae batter done, but still managed to organise some kitchen cupboards... long planned..small consolation that. Bigger decision is when to pull out of life here and go back home to spend some time with my father....not able to fix a date and no one else will do that for me. Elder kids choices for college are still not finalised. 

If this post is incoherent thats how my state of mind currently is....flitting here and there like a nervous grasshopper. I will be back once am more grounded. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Leave a comment!

Popular posts from this blog

The slow thawing

I realise I am inconsistent in lots of stuff and instead of my usual defensive spiel,  here is a quiet acceptance of that. Guilty of that and many more things....but not being disciplined tops the list. It shows how I take care of myself, how I keep order at home, how I generally mange myself and my world. How easy it is for me to not keep up to anything consistently....Its embarassing, its seen in the constant self-talk I have with myself. It shows up in stuff pending over the week and taking over weekend, it shows in the amount of dirt that came out of cleaning under the dish-washer, just one of those things which I had been forever planning to do; it shows in how I finally managed to paint my toe-nails after one year - sometimes there was no nailpolish remover; or nail polish itself; other times it was something I remembered just before bedtime or just when stepping out, hence no time to dry itself; sometimes I did remember but pushed it away for a bit and then forgot because so...
Read more

May 2013 - The Elusive One

Image
Think back to a month in your life. Do you remember any month or period specifically from the sweeping past or present? Maybe the month before the board exams, last month in the hostel eagerly awaiting to get back home, the month before you were getting hitched that was crammed with frantic shopping and plans on the side to run-away solo or when you were expecting your first baby, waiting for the moment and savoring the peace as you balance one of the last books you will read in peace on your tummy.. I seem to have always had conflicting emotions in every situation, constant yin-yang and the entire range in between. As a part of this group  celebrating our first anniversary on June 2, 2013, we were given a small challenge. Totally voluntary, I must add. The theme being 'The Elusive One'. One could choose to do something new, make a small change in your lifestyle, person..something you've been putting off for too long. You get the drift, move out of your comfort zones and ...
Read more

New Year Resolutions - Blogathon 2014 Post 1

Hello all! This is the first in the series of posts for the month of January, Blogathon initiative by Dreamy Mommy here . Today's prompt is New Year Resolutions. In fact, in my hastily scribbled end-of-year post I did touch briefly on this. In the last few years, I like to make resolutions or declarations, whichever, in writing. This is because in the course of steering one'e life through uncharted waters and all that, it is easy to land up someplace you simply did not intend going. My main compass-points for this year are - 1. Take one day at a time - each day is important, value it. 2. Move it, move it - So get moving in some way - a walk, a jog, yoga, dance... 3. Reflect before you speak and/or write. 4. Take responsibility for yourself and what you want to do, easy just does not do it. 5. Be thankful, be grateful, be positive and open-minded. Appreciate differences. 6. Put everything down and listen to my kids when they are talking - even if they are repeating ...
Read more