Empty nest and some expectations

So it's been a week since my not-yet-3-year old started school full time. Yes, a full 6 hours. It's strange, I have mixed feelings about it all. I think it is a bit long for a small child. Towards Thursday, she seemed a bit tired. But even if I get her back after 3 hours, I still need to take her along with me to fetch the elder daughter who attends full time. Since we do the school run with the pram, I am exposing her to the cold twice over, plus it leaves my schedule a bit rushed. And selfish that I am, I look forward to the solitude at home.

After I drop over the kids to school in the morning by 9, I am literally waiting for the husband to leave for work and have the home to myself.  Housework and cooking take a maximum of couple of hours, sometimes a bit more. What do I do with my time? Yes, gymming and swimming are options. As are reading and crafting, blogging etc. Another option is to study, but still to figure out what I want to do, as that too is an expensive option here. I want to do something worthwhile ...but do err...what? This has been the big question for me. I have been consistently unsuccessful in finding work here. My language skills are work-in-progress, and perhaps finding a job would have been easier if I had technical/IT skills. It's rather disheartening to be so unsuccessful in life. It affects my self-esteem and everything else then.

I compare myself to other moms who manage both work and family life, like such practiced jugglers. They are so at ease with everything while I am struggling with almost everything all the time. I seem to question, yes I know, put on paper it sounds truly crazy, my very reason for being. Will I ever achieve anything in life, on my own? I want to feel content with my life and i know that no amount of rationalizing etc by family, friends is going to make any difference. It has to come from within but why does it not?

I don't want to relate to my MBA batchmates, school and college friends because everyone has made something out of their lives, except me. At hoe, I am fully responsible for the running of home and my children, why is it not sufficient? I have come to the conclusion that there is some problem in my wiring, I am one of those chronic groaners and worriers, who find fault at everything.

Perhaps it is true, because yesterday, I met a friend at a  mall for lunch. I had some time before to browse around and  my husband had literally entreated me to buy anything I wish to. I did buy something for the kids, and I liked something for myself but I was feeling depressed that I did not have the ability to earn to buy it and did not! Need recommendations for a psychologist, asap!! On the other hand, I have thought of volunteering. And do you know, one option where they may need people is a phone helpline for depressed people!! My God, really don't think I can do that to others!! So...........just stuck at some crossroads.........for the moment.