Second time around................
I came across this blogpost here titled 'Second Child' on the blog by Sujatha Sathya and feel the need to write down my reasons for the same. Will help me a lot for the days when I am pulling my hair out over the two and their shenanigans.
Big G was a lonely baby. Her two grandmothers were there in succession for the first 5 months of her life, but after that it was only Mom and Dad. I was told to talk a lot to the baby, especially since I am the silent types. I did my best, but I really could not provide the atmosphere of having people around. Spending time in the park, near the pond, pointing out the ducks, other stuff, reading, singing, we did that. I tried to make friends with other Moms. And when I did, I found that it was not sufficient. I mean it is the adults who need to bond first, and I can't imagine myself too often in someone's house or vice versa just so my daughter can have somebody to play with in new found friendships. After all, play dates and play mates are mere arrangements, not a permanent solution and organic was what we had in mind, not strategic alliances with so much co-ordination. Everybody else seemed pretty self sufficient in themselves.
So two was the figure we wanted, and we did not want a huge gap in the ages. 18 months or so I know is quoted to be the ideal age difference, but we did not act fast enough or often enough, should I say, for that. And it was good in a way as we got the time to bond as a family, hubby and me to sink into our roles as parents. For me, it was not so easy or instantaneous as it's made out to be. I still don't know if I am more than a child myself and nurturing is a trait that not everyone has. I have had to consciously cultivate it. Consciously put my child and her needs before mine. Now its become lots more easier but like I said, had to work on that.
And never did I think too much about having to go through the 9 month ordeal (in fact, I would not call it that, for my case was pretty bearable). And that's the only way for it to happen. I was more keen on a sister for Big G. I've always wished for a sister of my own. Big G in her baby understanding too wanted a sister. Am not sure about the husband but in retrospect he agrees it was the best thing to happen. So the G sisterhood happened. Our family is complete.
Some things are pretty strange though. In Big G's case I traveled from India to here and met my gynecologist only in the last month. For lil G I travelled back to India and finalized my gynecologist again last minute. Had a c-section for Big G because I fell in the category of Asian and so short, narrow pelvis, they did not even want to try and see if normal was a possibility!!! And I in my foggy ignorance was surprised at the pain afterwards and the ensuing postpartum depression I had. In lil G's case, it was smooth sailing all the way, the day before her birth I was up on the terrace sun drying saboona papads and moong dal vadis. Had a normal delivery and was walking immediately though told not to. I had no time for depression of any sort as now there were 2 of them to look after and I was overwhelmed with that.
The privileges of being the second child are many. Parents are often less obsessive, you have a sibling (even if temporarily she hates you for taking her mommy away) and the family is pretty much sorted out in their roles and responsibilities. And if you have a sunny disposition like lil G you are a hit from the word go! Even for the kids, the benefits far outweigh the cons. My kids have each other to play with, fight with all the time. Big G has a little admirer, friend, confidante, helper at her beck and call. Lil G has a big sister who acts like her mother. And we happily muddle along. Sometimes two is also too much and it is for such times that I shall look back at this post.
Big G was a lonely baby. Her two grandmothers were there in succession for the first 5 months of her life, but after that it was only Mom and Dad. I was told to talk a lot to the baby, especially since I am the silent types. I did my best, but I really could not provide the atmosphere of having people around. Spending time in the park, near the pond, pointing out the ducks, other stuff, reading, singing, we did that. I tried to make friends with other Moms. And when I did, I found that it was not sufficient. I mean it is the adults who need to bond first, and I can't imagine myself too often in someone's house or vice versa just so my daughter can have somebody to play with in new found friendships. After all, play dates and play mates are mere arrangements, not a permanent solution and organic was what we had in mind, not strategic alliances with so much co-ordination. Everybody else seemed pretty self sufficient in themselves.
So two was the figure we wanted, and we did not want a huge gap in the ages. 18 months or so I know is quoted to be the ideal age difference, but we did not act fast enough or often enough, should I say, for that. And it was good in a way as we got the time to bond as a family, hubby and me to sink into our roles as parents. For me, it was not so easy or instantaneous as it's made out to be. I still don't know if I am more than a child myself and nurturing is a trait that not everyone has. I have had to consciously cultivate it. Consciously put my child and her needs before mine. Now its become lots more easier but like I said, had to work on that.
And never did I think too much about having to go through the 9 month ordeal (in fact, I would not call it that, for my case was pretty bearable). And that's the only way for it to happen. I was more keen on a sister for Big G. I've always wished for a sister of my own. Big G in her baby understanding too wanted a sister. Am not sure about the husband but in retrospect he agrees it was the best thing to happen. So the G sisterhood happened. Our family is complete.
Some things are pretty strange though. In Big G's case I traveled from India to here and met my gynecologist only in the last month. For lil G I travelled back to India and finalized my gynecologist again last minute. Had a c-section for Big G because I fell in the category of Asian and so short, narrow pelvis, they did not even want to try and see if normal was a possibility!!! And I in my foggy ignorance was surprised at the pain afterwards and the ensuing postpartum depression I had. In lil G's case, it was smooth sailing all the way, the day before her birth I was up on the terrace sun drying saboona papads and moong dal vadis. Had a normal delivery and was walking immediately though told not to. I had no time for depression of any sort as now there were 2 of them to look after and I was overwhelmed with that.
The privileges of being the second child are many. Parents are often less obsessive, you have a sibling (even if temporarily she hates you for taking her mommy away) and the family is pretty much sorted out in their roles and responsibilities. And if you have a sunny disposition like lil G you are a hit from the word go! Even for the kids, the benefits far outweigh the cons. My kids have each other to play with, fight with all the time. Big G has a little admirer, friend, confidante, helper at her beck and call. Lil G has a big sister who acts like her mother. And we happily muddle along. Sometimes two is also too much and it is for such times that I shall look back at this post.
.JPG)
Aww! That is so cute! I always wanted a sister. We decided not to have a second child for a variety of reasons. Although I feel that a 2 year gap would have been great, if we were planning to have another child. Right now, however, our three people family feels perfect to us.
ReplyDeleteThanks Smitha, yes to each their idea of a perfect world! Sometimes I begin to wonder if it was a good idea as one is constantly doing a balancing act for time and attention b/w the two! And really no clue how parents with twins or 3 kids manage, must be tough!
DeleteHmm..I read Sujatha's post and to a large extent am inclined to side with her points. But I also agree to all that you've said too about the benefits of having a sibling. I go through the yo-yo syndrome many times...but for now the pendulum sure is titling sujatha's way :-) Don't know what's in store but a second one is quite a scary thought as of now.
ReplyDeleteI did a post on this topic long ago:
http://mymaidenattempt.blogspot.in/2010/12/one-and-only-only-one.html
Hey Uma, just be content with whatever decision you make:) And your reasons are yours! Am hopping ove to read your post.
DeleteYeah what you say is true that siblings have each other to play/fight - for everything basically. And if it "feels" right, it runs out right too. i liked that line very much "And we happily muddle along." there's a rich, simple, innocent earthy feel to it & i was actually imagining you all muddling along :))
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by, Sujatha! He, he, that we do sometimes:))
DeleteSo with you here Chatty Wren..I kept nodding my head to most of the things you have mentioned here.. a child needs another child to play with and grow up with and if they are lucky enough to have cousins or other family staying close by, there's nothing like it..but if that's not there, I think it starts becoming a bit lonely for the child..good that you have Li'l G for Big G now..Even I prefer a sister for my daughter..if and when that happens :)
ReplyDeleteNice to know we think alike on this, Nithvin! I've been sold on two sisters ever since I've stayed with my two cousins (both sisters) and the great bond they shared. I was close but not family. And touchwood, have that for my daughters :) Wish you luck!
Delete