The niceness quotient

Sometimes my daughter tells me that her classmate always uses her scarf whilst playing blind man's bluff and she does not like it, or that she uses her sharpener and it is now broken or even drinks from her bottle. I have always told her that she should say no firmly, she is not comfortable with it. But her response is that she needs to be nice to her, she is her friend after all. But I want to tell her that not wanting to share her things and what she does not feel like sharing does not make her a bad person, it is all about setting boundaries. Also, there is only so much you can do to make yourself liked. And most importantly, how does it matter what she thinks of you? Or is she friends with you only for these reasons?

Stuff like this is extremely complicated to explain to a child. No, she is my friend and I want to be with her, she insists. I think to myself, look who's talking? I have been a complete walkover so many times too with a few bruises to sport. Most friendships don't start with such intentions. But the power dynamics is never on an equal footing. It helps if you complement each other in some ways which is often the case with classmates, colleagues, childhood friendships. But age, experience, relationships with relatives, the boss often bring about relationships where you are not on the same footing. And then you have to tread carefully. Ever thought why you feel so guilty and eager to appease when you say no, whilst if somebody else says no to you without any explanation, you kind of accept it with a shrug. Or even go so far to argue in their defense?

Who does not want to be liked? But it leaves your vulnerability in the open. How much does the person's likeness or acceptance have a bearing in my day-to-day  life? In office politics, it can be price of a promotion, raise or a decent appraisal. But how much can you ingratiate yourself towards someone, sometimes likes/dislikes are mutual and immediate and can't be forced. So cousin  XYZ helped me out at one point of time, and I am grateful,  but does that mean I am indebted to her for the rest of my life, even when she is being mean to me. These kind of forced emotional panderings wear you down. And the extended family - expectations and boundaries need to be explicitly spelt out, even if it seems we are all relating superficially at first, so be it. I am not even talking about the so many transient friendships and relationships that one comes across in our daily lives.

I would even go further to extend this to your own family - spouse and children (ah, got it right this time). Setting boundaries is important, sometimes we don't realize it because we want to be accepted and loved and believe in all or nothing. But that does not mean one goes overboard and push the limits of the other person. It is best when it is done as early as possible in the relationship before the boat runs aground.  For the kids too, great that one wants to be friendly with them and open too, but we are parents first. It is our responsibility to make the children aware about how relationships and dealings with the outside world work and what better place than to start at home.

This is why I often tell Big G when she says, 'Promise Mama, I will make today a good day for you, and do everything properly," I say, no, please don't do it for me, do it for you. If you don't want to do anything, say No and tell me why you don't want to do it, we will talk it over. Which also means, I am not going to fight her little battles for her, but push her to speak for herself. Niceness and all be damned. If you like yourself and can laugh at your goofiness and accept yourself for all your quirks, believe me none of what I've written will make any sense to you. And amen to that!