Marriages, traditions and straight talk

When I spoke to my Aunt the other day, she told me that her son had finally settled for a girl. I congratulated her but I could sense mixed feelings there. My cousin has fallen in love with a Bori Muslim girl. I asked her why she was feeling this way, were they not ok with the whole thing. Not in the beginning, she said, though they had come around to accept his decision and wanted him to be happy with a partner of his choice. Somewhat similar thoughts have been conveyed by the girl's parents too.

The whole apprehension for now is how to have the marriage ceremony. Apparently as per the girl's religion they boy has to convert to Islam and they have to do a Nikhah, else she will be not considered  a part of the community and can't even come to see her parents' face when they are dead. There is also some part involving keeping 'Mahr' - the payment money that a husband agrees to pay his wife after marriage. Though initially the boy's side had decided they could stick to a court marriage and a reception, but this conversion,  even if done only as a formality, is not finding favour. In the one meeting that both parent sets have had this has become a big point of discussion and polite debate.

I am only hoping that things go well for the two people concerned and also that since it is their big event they come forward and take active interest in the proceedings,  not leaving it to two disparate parent sets to resolve. I told my Aunt that she must also make the girl aware of traditions and culture that they follow at home, not for her to emulate but just that she needs to be aware and be in the know, should she choose to be involved. Everything important, needs to be discussed and shared.

Marriages, however well planned and orchestrated can result in chaos and throw up unexpected contingencies and emotional dramas. After all, a marriage, in all senses, is a giant leap of faith.

Life in a family or atmosphere of different culture than yours can be a bit overwhelming in the beginning. I say this because this holds true for me too. My husband and me come from two different states and speak different languages and the differences are too many. We too left everything to be sorted out at the parent level than take more active interest in planning things for the marriage. So there was this last-minute introduction of a Gauri  pooja in the wedding, my stylist had to wait and then dress me in a hurry for the ceremony, no one really knew what was happening. Well a day before they had insisted on the Nadeswaram and Mridangam, which sounded so final on the ceremony day, that for once I wanted to make a free bolt out of the wedding hall. To top it all the photographer played hookey, and we have only hotshot camera photos of our wedding ceremony!

Since we stayed in a separate city, I never came to know the traditions, cultures, relationship dynamics of their house for a long time, save for bits and pieces over the phone. My mother-in-law felt she ought not to impose anything on me and I, in the earlier years in my shyness and ignorance, did not ask. Only now that I ought to have openly asked, since I was not voluntarily educated. For instance, arshina-kumkuma tatte (a silver plate for haldi-kumkum) come's from the girl's side. I noticed my sister-in-law had one for her wedding. I asked my MIL and came to know this is something that the girl's side has to get. And I asked her why she had not told me to get one for our wedding, she said she was shy. Ok, but not a mention over all these years? Small thing right, but it made me feel so excluded.  The Swarna Gauri Habba too was a very late relevation and I think I would have enjoyed doing it had I known how to go about it. We have been doing it since the last 2 years now. Well, at least my daughters will know........... These are just small examples of how another culture can puzzle you. Of course, the men don't know often the dynamics at work here.

I know a lot of women, especially in mixed marriages continue to follow traditions as per their own family, and I would also say it is because they have not been guided well or at all. But even when you ask and the family is not forthcoming it can affect your morale and the need to integrate. Which is probably why in nuclear family set-up one sees traditions (especially those based on religion) decimating slowly. I personally think it is a big loss of our cultural heritage, effects of which we will see in the generations to come. But if only we talked straight across the table about a lot of things, it could actually make a lot of things easier and clearer for everyone involved.